heartfelt thoughts

more thoughts

2011-08-22T22:30:00.002+08:00

life is transient.. who knows "what", "who" or "even" when is for certain apart from having an actual moment... only the moment of emotion and experience is real, for what became history could surface as something different, and the future is always untold..

hmmm.. as it is, we can only decide on what we felt best for ourselves, for a situation, or for those we cared for at that precise moment... and that moment of choice, can be that specific to change any moment ahead...

someone put up in her status "only when you put down hatred, then you will be able to move on"

on its own, isn't that such a sad statement to make.. why even introduce hatred... letting go and not be bitter... move on with grace... no such heart for grace maybe... well.. what do we decide to hold on and not let go simply determines what we keep within to make ourselves happier or not... do we blame or look upon ourselves... do we then blame just for some comfort of mistakes that were made... is this an alleviation or would it be delusion simply?

someone once told me i could tell the world what i wanted to world to see... how certain an opinion... everyone is showing and telling the world what they wanted the world to see, no? out of bitterness, to defend, to blame... yet in the quietest moments and deepest nights... why is it so painful to remember to ask why, yet not think why? or perhaps we understand why therefore refuse to think in truth even?

hmmmm... life... surely it teaches us from time to time... how conveniently we can decide to make choices of the mind to help us see what we want to see, read what we want to read to lead the life we wanted to lead anyway...

in a blue moon...

2011-08-12T01:12:00.004+08:00

i have been having the thought to blog for awhile, but been avoiding it somehow.. for i think of who may be reading it.. and i fear judgement of some kind.. yet thinking again, doesn't this place belong to me?

i fear the words that i express with, that i may not like what they speak to me.. or speak of myself..

the speed of how things move.. are somewhat interesting.. packing each to the brim... working like i've got so much to do, meeting up with friends till i hardly even rest.. leaving no room for anything at all... and that's for over 2 months now.. i have no idea if this is anyway fulfilling, deluding, or just getting by somehow...

is it with age? or is it about life that made me not remember that these months just ran by me at such speed?

was i once remorseful, guilt-stricken, then awaken to see that this was not all of it? did i just finally see that it wasn't all about how was i not up to it... so many voices speak yet the truth lies only in the hearts don't they... even words we speak hardly express the depths of our thoughts and genuine emotions...

actions are translations of thoughts, intentions, defense, response, denial, desires, resentment, deceit... and so many more, who is to say, which of these do actions represent? there could be so many more emotions beneath the facade of a smile, an opinion, an expression, or a gesture, or not?

many i miss, many i wish i otherwise did, all of whom and which i appreciate... those who trampled taught me strength, those who loved taught me faith, those who believed taught me grace, those who deceived taught me truth, those who shared taught me listening, those who angered taught me fear... those who left taught me how i should stay...

想念是最呼吸的痛

2011-07-05T00:57:00.002+08:00

我根本什么都放不下... ...

太阳雨

2011-03-19T16:34:00.002+08:00

the showers pour.. drizzle.. as the bright shining sun beams through the rainfall..

a ride so bumpy...

2011-01-24T01:00:00.002+08:00

i have no idea how to describe my emotions.. my thoughts... this roller coaster ride doesn't seem to end... the thrill is too much for me to take..

a dose of crying a day seems alright, since there are usually multiple doses of it...

because i have done wrong, i have no rights of reasoning to straighten things out... or to want to resolve a situation.. all that was done, doing, or want to do equates either to doing things the wrong way.. or equates to nothing...

God, if there could be a manual to live life, i'm dreaming to have it now...

sometimes, i seem to catch a glimpse of the sunrise, but the next moment, the clouds hover and the storm just washes everything away in a split second...

is this how life is meant to be? i truly wanted to make things right... but every door i thought i saw opened, slammed in my face when i was about to put my foot in...

i will learn to live my life... my own life... since that's what you want...

indifference

2011-01-15T00:10:00.003+08:00

in life, there are numerous ups and downs, and not everybody can embrace it all.. some would let go.. because the stake can be too much fear and pain to bear...

in my life.. i probably lived trying to meet expectations most of the time.. at home, outside.. everywhere... but perhaps.. the underlying me always wanted to do something else, something different, or maybe something wrong... but i never did because abiding rules seemed to be the way of my life...

dreams never pursued, simple things i wanted but never fought for.. eventually, i learnt to exploit the only things i were confident of... i disliked adapting.. because i had to relearn and fit in all over again.. so when familiarity was in my hands, i always gripped on so tightly and i wished nothing would ever change from that moment...

i was always resentful of my life, and the way i led it, yet i couldn't let all of these go as if i couldn't live without it... how empty and sad... how much hunger to seek more, yet the stagnant appetite was always so numb...

what is inferiority? or what is pessimism? what is an "optimistic pessimist" whom i used to call myself? some form of comfort that i am a pessimist but calculate the possible failure so that i can cushion myself when i finally fall?? or should i face myself to say, it's a plain attitude of indifference? how pathetic and empty can a heart be, to feel so much yet feel nothing?

blog time

2010-12-08T03:43:00.004+08:00

hmm.. felt like writing something.. where should i start... perhaps some reflections about 2010??

the year kicked off with extreme sadness and depression on my grandma's passing in January.. not forgetting it was barely a month before my uncle's passing in Dec'09.. how more tragic and painful for my family...

soon enough my new job kicked start.... pleasant, challenging, nice colleagues... till some point... disaster had to strike again when my aunt passed in May!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! who could have imagined?? who would have thought???

i recall, one trainer used to say, "life is very transient"... everything's a passing phase, transitions happen all the time... yeah.. and we never know what lies ahead... but the greatest joy i had for the year, would be the bunch of lovely people in my job... who talked crap, did silly stuff.. spoke truth and honesty with each other =) when i moved out of my branch, i recall my boss telling me, "never stay or leave for a friend..." and very clearly, i remember telling him, i totally agree, because, on leaving, those who still remain as friends would be true friends =)

partying can be tiring, can be just some social event... but partying with friends clearly is more than social =) during my emotional roller coster ride, relieving depression through time with you people (if you even read my blog!! hahaha =p) made a difference to me... true friends are probably those who ease your pain with a hug, and put a stop to tears raining from your eyes...

alas... there's one other big change that's still in transition now.. i'm engaged.. whoooaahh.. seriously.. i've always looked forward to settling down.. but somehow, after making such a huge decision... the butterflies in my stomach don't go away.. suddenly, everything is at max speed... our new home's in renovation now... and soon enough, "single" will no longer be my status!!! scary eh... i take reference from friends', cousins' and even marriages in my family, and my own parents... ain't no easy task..... after wondering "is this it?"; "it's really gonna be him?"; then comes "am i really ready?"; "are we ready?"; "will we go wrong?"

hahaha, well, life's hard isn't it, 做人真难.. like work, we make a decision, we move on with it, make it or break it, it's a jigsaw the pieces the portrait of our lives..

nonetheless, through the mountains and valleys of life... i thank God for every detail carved in my life! every single encounter means so much more that they seem... any hurt and every moment of joy.

i love my live and those who left a footprint in it =)

so much i remember

2010-11-30T03:12:00.004+08:00

the time has come, once again for yet another parting episode in my life...

this time, parting with a physical home, that kept so much of my life, the memories, the people... the laughter, tears, anger, fear, and all the emotions...

i remember avoiding the dogs because they salivated... i remember playing with lanterns as i sat on the sidewalk window ledge as a kid, i remember looking at lassie from the back door through the back gate, i remember smelling the smelly dogs, i remember sleeping over a bedsheet laid on the floor, i remember sharing the sleeping space with my cousins during holidays, i remember sharing the common room with my entire family before we shifted, i remember the noisy air-con, i remember the ceiling the made a funny noise, i remember the steps we set and played along with a rusty railing, i remember the reddish brown carpet as i peeped through the gaps in the steps to see the dining table, i remember the huge red dining table with the old wooden chairs, i remember the beer glasses we used to mix orange juice in, i remember the little green chairs we played with, i remember the heavy sliding gate that was difficult to open, i remember the burnt beige carpet, i remember the green carpet, i remember the green tiles in the balcony, i remember the once white front gate, i remember the huge grey sofa set that used to sit in the living room, i remember hiding my exercise book under the seat so that mum wouldn't see it, i remember doing my homework, i remember the wrapping presents in the room, i remember celebrating so many birthdays there, i remember the flag pole that held the Singapore flag, i remember triangular flags that grandpa put up during national day, i remember tasting beer from grandpa's fingers, i remember the crabs he bought for me because i said i liked it, i remember putting camel cigarettes into grandpa's mouth, i remember the swing that sat facing the door, i remember the Christmas tree every Christmas till 2008, i remember cycling round the foyer, i remember the vinegar fish grandpa cooked that we loved, i remember the fried bak kut grandpa cooked that we loved, i remember the pig's heart grandpa cooked that we loved, i remember the smell of grandpa's pipe, i remember the crystal ashtray grandpa used as a spit bowl, i remember the brown transparent cup grandpa soaked his denches, i remember hearing grandpa clear his throat, i remember grandpa sitting at the foyer as we arrived, i remember grandpa cooking in the kitchen, i remember playing with micromachines that grandpa bought, i remember the birds that could mimic grandpa, i remember lying on his bed on that fateful day... i remember the bowls the spoons, the things we used, i remember the powdery scent in grandma's room, i remember uncle Tham using dry-ice to tease me, i remember playing Monopoly with uncle Tham, i remember uncle and aunties playing mahjong, i remember uncle Tham playing mahjong and cards there, i remember his tall hunched frame and deep load voice and conversations he made with everyone, i remember grandma's braised pork, i remember the hotdogs and eggs she made when we stayed over, i remember her perspiration after the shower and her little towel round her neck, i remember grandma eating at her usual seat, i remember grandma popping over to look at what we were doing or playing with in the rooms, i remember grandma dozing off in the living room, i remember grandma's frown when she didn't like a conversation, i remember grandma and grandpa at different times, standing at the gates to wave us goodbye, i remember just so much.. i'm so sad, i can't let go.... i miss kong kong and por por, i miss uncle Tham... why did all this have to happen.. it is so painful.. the roof that we shared... that holds all these memories... it's goodbye... again... my heart can't take this very much longer...................... i'm breaking up... into so many pieces now.... it's so painful... beyond words....... so so painful... help.. God, please ease this pain of mine..... please....

A path with angels, and thoughts of what matters

2010-08-11T19:12:00.004+08:00

visiting my blog feels like saying hi to the breeze at the beach.. calm and soothing...

too much has happened over the past 10 months or so.. and still i thank God for the angels he planted in my life to walk the valleys through strong...

i remember, couple of months back, as we drove the streets, flashes of memories filled my mind of the reason we used to drive past, and the destination we used to head towards... sometimes, there are some people, and things and some events, i just feel i can't bring myself to forget.. and i am afraid to let go off... the parting brings pain and sorrow.. and the pain and sorrow is all about the love we shared and that you have given... and we have shared... while being strong and moving on is a natural eventual thing we all need to move towards... you will always live in my heart...

many times, things in life just don't seem to work out, if there could be a better description, it would be that "suay-ness" mulitplies and recurrs once it hits.. ha.. wat sorta decription eh??

through struggles, through falling, strength is built.. but perhaps.. it's just a fine line between strength and having a hardened heart? i don't know.. like becoming fearful of building relationships that matter?? still, a true heart will never be able to say no to loving people who matter...

every transition.. when it comes about.. it could bring about some form of parting... truly, it's parting that reveals which friendship would last.. but.. whether or not relationships walk with us to the future, the time we had will always be beyond measure of any value.. simply, at that time, what we had, was simply priceless... so each time.. as we embark on new journeys, i pack with me all the smiles and laughters we share.. all the silliness and childish tantrums.. all the frustration and literal tears we wiped off our faces and the assuring hugzz... and the fun, laughter and joy we shared out of nothingness...

to the angels in my life, you may not realise you have been one.. but.. deep down, i know well that you have made a difference in me.. truly..

a little corner to visit my emotions on a random day

2010-04-24T12:01:00.005+08:00

i realised i'm still going through an emotional ride in the lows... just that i've been kinda too "busy" to realise it..

looking back.. it all started in november... event after event.. all the way till january.. and before everything settled emotionally, i was cheong-ing into my new job... the blessing's that i had new things to fill my mind and focus on.. at least, it gave me less time to grief or sink into some emotionally sorry state...

now.. as the family gathers, as time passed, i realised i never forgotten the unique voice... the deep and loud voice he sang with his heart, the all time uptight yet always fatherly and giving attitude... neither did i let go of ah-por who's so dear to me..

i start to wake up, stare into the ceiling, and sometimes cry... how do we hug a person who's no longer tangible and wish i hugged him when i could.. and how do we stroke the grey hair on someone's who's no longer around physically... from where can we smell that familiar air of their presence?

yes i know, we all gotta be strong, and live well with them in our hearts... but the grief just gets to unbearable...

now i've come to know, that another someone dear, has numbered days... because illness is invading her life... she looked after me when i was a kid.. and drifted as i grew up and after she had her own family... but.. some bonds don't disappear... i fear and dread the day that's approaching... i hate, even the thought that i would have to be there in that setting, to see her leave us... because i already know this day isn't too far away...

i know it's inevitable.. but, it's too many people to say goodbye to within such a short time... i may just snap...

God, i know, there's a time, there's a reason.. i believe and have faith, Lord, just help me to be strong please...

life - equation of passing phases - learning goodbyes

2009-10-17T13:40:00.008+08:00

how do i start.. yet another time of reflection, emotional transition?

"all around us, things are changing, seasons come and seasons go...
very few things last forever, but deep within our hearts we know..."

what's forever? what's transient?

in life, as a kid, growing up and becoming an adult, we have our stories to share, to tell, or to keep to ourselves.. the joy, the sorrows, the love, and the hurt, the hope, the disappointment... and the whatevers...

mostly, we couldn't anticipate what awaited us before they happened.. and when they did, sometimes we reacted with a "dammit! i could have, or should have!!" whatever it is.. nothing mattered anymore since time never waited to tell us we need to look ahead and move on with what we still have that's "yet to come" and what we can still strive for.. it's the "we got to move on" signal...

through all these learning, when we fell and picked up ourselves to move on... what do we carry with us? throwing away people and episodes "not worth" keeping.. and sifting out the important pieces that mattered? some people? or some memories?

it wasn't very long a time.. but enough to wish there was more time, and enough to have started to share laughter and feel for new friends... most of all, enough to feel sad and be affected that things have changed...

well, perhaps from time to time we learn to let go better, but at the same time, i feel that having learnt to let go is more like learning to say goodbyes... and i really dislike how goodbyes seem to become more "normal" as we experience more phases in lives...

but again.. maybe, goodbyes may be one of the most beautiful ways to wrap up beautiful stories in our lives so that we can pack them up into a memory closet with a tag that says "worth keeping" =)

been 3 years

2009-08-10T23:49:00.004+08:00

i have no idea who views my blog ever, except for one person.. i know he would read this =)

looking back.. he walked with me the past 3 years of my life subtly, but always there making a difference.. assuring me in some silent way...

it was a rough start, when the road was bumpy... i was in a mess when he stretched his hand to pull me up, helping me dust the bits off my soiled hands...

he showed his anger, and threw his tantrums, but he didn't let go of my hands though they were occasionally coarse and dirty..

he walked me through when i was in school, when i was struggling with paying off my loan, when i graduated, when i started to work again, when i switched jobs, when i struggled with my family, when i got hysterical when i was jobless, till now.. in little baby steps, he walked with me, to accomplish bigger steps...

now here we are, three years into our shared life, perhaps not that long a time for many, but a meaningful portion of our lives =)

though the path ahead may be uncertain, smooth or winding or whatever, it doesn't matter.. what matters most is that our hands are held together, as we journey forward... as sun shines through the rain, and as rainbows decorate the beautiful skies after every storm =)

love you.

on a lazy sunday...

2009-08-02T14:44:00.004+08:00

woken up by a phonecall i didn't answer.. i casually pulled up my blanket and turned away from my phone and slipped into another 3 hours of sleep.... zzzz... till an hour ago.. as i woke, i was still so reluctant to open my eyes...

the job has finally kicked in proper.. in bits and phases, pretty much only a start.. but surely taking a fair bit of my commitments... trying to learn as much as i can... and sometimes i wonder why can't my brain just be a 'lil bit more efficient!! heee... not quick enough to react, understand or pick things up... hmm guess i just gotta take some time, hopefully not too long!!

well, anyway.. it's nice to sleep in a few more hours finally, as opposing to waking up early to a rather far-away land for work.. ok.. not that far, but like northern Singapore =p.. in fact.. i'm kinda appreciating this rest although it was only been barely 2 weeks since this started!!

hmmm... away i go.. to spend my lazy day.. ending off this entry to grab my typical all-time makan (aka instant noodles!)...

what's about understanding ourselves?

2009-07-12T17:50:00.004+08:00

typically, when i blog, it's usually when i'm supposed to be doing something else other than blogging... like say... preparing for the infamous m6!!!!!!

hmmm.. been doing quite a few facebook quizzes.. just thought a little... have you thought that the answers make all traits sound really positive? haha.. maybe that's why it's fun and nice to do them.. not like they truly determine who we are, but, they may bring out traits we have, and really dress them up nicely.. =p

then again.. i wonder how many of us do try to define or understand who we are, how we feel etc etc.. i sorta think we do that most of the time?? or maybe, only crazy people like me?? hehe... as if life has insufficient issues to bog us down with!!

simple thoughts of "flight or fight" situations, "cheating vs integrity", "anger vs letting trivials go"... all fine lines and many times these are spur-of-the-moment decisions aren't they? so who are we inside, do we really know? i suppose personality is something very "fluid", something without a mould.. as in.. some traits may stand out, like say, favourite colors, temperaments, hobbies, competitiveness... but perhaps actual behaviors like reactions to life situations could be what we never really know till we're facing them.. at least i do know, sometimes my behaviors do surprise myself with what i thought i would have done otherwise..

caught a news report on a road accident that injured a handful.. passengers were scolding the badly injured driver for reckless driving in the bus he was ferrying them in... i would think that i can feel the anger of these people whose lives were at stake... then again maybe some would feel, how would that help the situation when that very man could stop breathing the next moment? hmmm... any thoughts? i'm just wondering..

in this very realistic world we live in, we grow to adapt and protect our hearts, protect our priorities in many ways, and sometimes learn to react or comment on situations in certain ways.. but perhaps, it's only at the brink of a situation that we might reveal our true inner selves since that's when the clothing of self-consciousness is ripped off without time to think..

okies... m6.. HERE I COME!!

back here after hearing from a friend

2009-06-15T01:07:00.002+08:00

a surprise note from a friend triggered me to start writing again... so much has happened in recent years or even, simply months, weeks and days..

reflecting on these years, God's plans through life lessons continue to be beyond imaginaton, prediction, but most importantly, always beautiful!

if anything major that has happened, it would be a decision to step into a foreign industry to start from scratch.. i've made a huge career switch in terms of industries and with the education i fought so hard to get myself through!

this has come more challenging that i ever thought, and at each hurdle, i prayed hard and more for faith and wisdom! and each time i thought i was out of range, somehow, miraculously, i'm actually still in!! in terms of training, i believe this has been one of the steepest learning curves i've encountered.. once again, it brings me to reflect:

"when you step out of your comfort zone, perhaps, a circle of familiarity or certain expertise and step into another, what you've done before no longer matters, because you learn from the beginning in a new place, acquire new knowledge, and build from a first brick all over."

i find it real tough, because for me to learn the industry, it's as challenging as for me to learn maybe tamil? or some foreign language!! some stuff seem like general common knowledge, but to me it's like decoding a bar code with a naked eye!! hahaha.. but, somehow, while it can be real tough, it's amazingly quite a great feeling to be acquiring new knowledge! in fact, i rarely appreciate learning this way!!

abit lame.. but.. has anyone ever watched a super lame show called "galaxy quest"? it's super crappy.... but even from the crappiest shows, some lines can make an impact... and that is, "never give up, never surrender" hehehe.. abit cold lah... but.. i do believe it's an attitude of perserverence and persistence to achieve.. or complete a purpose, a reason.. or just whatever you wanna do! i may not be the brightest, but.. trying is a good start!! =)

and as with all situations, i thank God for His grace in walking me through the valleys and mountains, and most of all the beautiful people He has placed along the way to give me care, kindness, love and support.. the special people who use simple gestures to draw a rainbow in a storm!!

love

Talitha cumi!

2009-04-20T00:03:00.002+08:00

ignite the extinguished
awaken the sleeping
restore the romance the enemiy is trying to kill
release the repression and guilt
"Arise little darling"

God bless all, thank you Jesus =)

Scorpions

2008-11-11T15:02:00.003+08:00

hi.. ok.. yes this blog has been abandoned.. almost forgotten. blah blah blah..

just felt that this was a good time to breath some revival air into it.. hehe...

a sharing of an odd dream here... i sent the email above to my cell friends earlier this morning... it could be a message, it could be a reminder... it could be random, but it could mean way deeper than a mere dream... check out the links..

God bless all!!

http://ww2.netnitco.net/~legend01/scorpion.htm

http://www.bible-topics.com/Scorpion-The.html

God = wonderful works in life!

2007-09-08T00:50:00.000+08:00

once again i left this place for a long time.. hmm got a fair bit to share.. but.. hmm where to start...

let's see... i'm thankful for God sounds like the summary...

some little updates.. i finally bought my long awaited 1st laptop!! personally owned!! honestly it's not the best make you might find, especially for a technology dinasaur like me.. and it was a 2nd choice in place of my dream vaio... and not any high-end hi-tech toy.. BUT, it still means so much to me.. 1st time making such a purchase that i'd wanted since like almost a year back.. and it's in place of the money potentially spent on a holiday... aaawwwwhh.. my lappy even has a name!! it's 'xiao hei' haha.. how lame can i get.. been so long since i had the capacity to spend.. not like i can do this very often.. but anyway.. i'm happy with my xiao hei! wahahahahahaha...

one plus point in this purchase.. the technology dinasaur now communicated with her super hi-tech bro much more often because of this purchase.. heehee.. aint' it a good thing...

more great things came up.. the same day i got xiao hei.. God blessed terence and huling with little Faith Tan Xinyi! i just saw her today.. sweet little thing.. thank God for watching out for huiling bringing her thru a smooth delivery... so blessed =)

come sunday.. a morning of dancing in worship with couple of songs swapped.. but all was good.. thank God for watching over and leading us thru our movements...

next was the highlight.. sermon by margaret seaward.. i didn't see it coming at all.. but.. was so good for me.. through my heart and soul... touched me deep.. did anyone ever realised that God's love is far greater than what we think or expect.. His mercies and goodness are vast as the oceans or even greater! away with the explicit details.. but sometimes.. little things in our life and sins that we fall into... cause us to be so guilt-ridden that we forgot to remember God's with us, waiting to give us that hug we need, to seek Him for forgiveness and fall into the sweetness of His love once again.. at the end of the day, it's all about "in-Christ" or "not-in-Christ".. do we somtimes forget to have faith in God? dear brothers and sisters.. God is good, ALL THE TIME.. timeless, regardless of space.. if we allow our lives to be guilt-ridden, it means that we allow ourselves to be drawn away by our sins plus guilt, which means, allowing sin to succeed even more!! so how could we?

i thank God for all His beautiful works and people in my life, and the experiences he planted in my life to mould me as the person i am and still moulding me to be.. thank God for my lovely family.. a loving boyfriend... and wonderful friends.. i pray for all of you who're not in-Christ that the Lord will continue to work in your lives and let His glory and greatness shine in your lives.. have faith if you feel that your lives are not whole.. because.. the reason is because there's one place you haven't allowed God to fill!

a sharing from Adrian Chua once again: Freedom from stress

When life feels like tiny, windowless room and its four walls are closing in, we can create a window of space through the Word of God.

As we read and mediate on the Word and believe in His promises, we open a window to the spiritual realm for God to intervene. The assurance of His love will melt away every tension, stress and anxiety. Like a breath of fresh air, the comfort and counsel of His spirit will clear our mind and warm our hearts.

We will see things from the heavenly perspective and be patient to the new possibilities and challenges. We will find new measure of faith and inspiration to give us the strength to push forward. Stifled feeling will give way to hope and passion for living.

Cultivate the habit of turning to God for every need. It might take time, but His peace and comfort will relieve the pressure. Have faith in His love and power to do the impossible, for “all things are possible to him who believe” (Mk.9:23)

“Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know” (Jer.33:3)

God's blessings - keep faith that He's watching over us through His works

2007-08-07T11:28:00.000+08:00

i went missing agian for a few weeks...

over which.. had stuff to bitch about.. those petty frustrations about how my school didn't ensure we had enough seats for my lessons... and.. about my experience of being a "professional flyer distributor" at the age of 25 - the shenton crowd surely does have an attitude problem! etc..

but the sunday service was what impacted my heart the most in this season.. and made me feel rather small in our comfortable environment. my heart goes out to the hostages, their family and friends, and very importantly, ALL CHRISTIANS and ALL NON-BELIEVERS.

i hope that many would share my prayer:

I pray that the hostages and all who cares for them recieves comfort in this trying time of infinite fear, anxiety, pain and uncertainty;
I pray that God grants them mercy in His works
I pray that when all brothers and sisters may be challenged and persecuted, when their physical and emotional worldy skins are captureds, their hearts and souls seek the Lord more than ever and that God gives them the will and might to protect and strengthen their faith in Him
I pray that hearts of all christians will only be strengthened but not waiver
I pray that all non-believers will see the great works of our Lord through whichever outcome, that if we lose lives, it's for the Lord and people would see the faith in our God; if gain victory, it's the blessings, power and glory of our God's wonderful works.

Here's a sharing (once again from Adrian):

Although God has the power to solve our problems instantly, what we sometimes need most is not a quick fix but a wise counselor. God is our divine counselor.

Quick fixes are nice because they relieve the situation for the moment, but often the gain is only momentary. When solutions come early, it's easy to take them for granted and not learn from them, so the problems recur. Sometimes we are not meant to go around our problems but through them, because struggles bring with them valuable lessons that strengthen our spirit and make us wiser. You are then better equipped to handle problems that come up later.

How and when God work on our behalf is for Him to decide, but if we are after His best and are trying to learn from every problem situation, we will be greatly blessed at the end. God will fix the problem in His time and in His way, and we will be wiser for it.

"He has made everything beautiful in His time, let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach" (Eccl.3:11; James 1:4-5)

in the market place, i met some girls

2007-08-02T23:18:00.000+08:00

i was doing some flyer distribution assignment which put me in a market place (refering to a work place with people, with the mass and interacting with them). being a temp-job kinda thing, i met different people on different days, some i saw more of, others less. some encouraging, yet others rather depressing.

first few days,

i was with a bunch of teenagers, very chirpy and joyful bunch, except for 2 who were non-believers. the two behaved truly gloomier than the rest. be assured that there's no ostracism whatsoever, we all had our meals together and stuff.. initially, i didn't sniff a bit of relation to Christ.. but on the 3rd day.. interesting fact was that over lunch, i realised theye were the only 2 non-Christians. well, this can't speak for anything much blatantly.. but the significance was that the believers actually spoke of mundane stuff and complains, but, they spoke and also expressed the joy of life and hope.. to me, i felt, yes, that's what God brings to those who come to him =)

next day,

i met a few new people, the old group wasn't scheduled. among these new girls, there was someone who appeared really contented with her life, but was clearly burdened by her values. she was seeing a married man and did enjoy the glamour in modeling jobs. young, sweet and desirable girl she was. but as she shared about her life and about her relationship, she seemed so entangled within her relationship struggles including getting out of it... sad..

following 2 days...

another demure girl in uni, speaks about life like any other uni undergrad in her age. she was an amazing blessing to lighten the boredom the job gave. she was hungry for God i felt. i didn't share too much, but at least shared what i could. i was joking with her and described her as a freelance Christian, which she kind of agreed. and i was wondering, are we who call ourselves Christians full-time? anyway, i pray that the Lord with reach her heart wholly in his grace, mercy and time. she knew God, not by knowledge of the bible but in belief that God's here with us. But it seemed difficult for her to fully accept a less physically tangible God. my voice to those who might share her view is: God becomes tangible when you decide to recieve Him and allow Him to walk with you.

through all the days,

i distributed flyers at shenton way, orchard and bugis... the most depressing part was... the public.. and i must mention, those at shenton way.. i really don't understand why these people look darn depressed.. was it obsession with wealth and reputation? or the desire to be anonymous in life to get by? i can't comment much, but it truly wasn't a good experience. blatantly, i would describe their behavior as rude most of the times.. but i felt that something must be inwardly bothering enough to actually express such outwardly expressions of hmm maybe sadness or frustration? i don't know..

that's all folks =)

a time for all things..

2007-06-20T02:33:00.006+08:00

k.. let's get into some social issues today.. something in the news caught my attention.. it's not new to singaporeans, and i felt it was a good analogy of "readiness" in perspectives opposing growth and developments..

the news was about the china white-collar workforce, saying that they (70% of the total work force) were working up to 10 hours a day.. it was reported that in the long run, this would cause increased stress and negative impacts on lifestyle and health... part of the report attributed it to the quickened pace of development in the country... people wanna keep up with this pace to protecting their jobs and stuff.. well, doesn't it sound like our workforce here? it's like.. what are we working for? are we working to feed ourselves? working for satisfaction? working for money? seems like, people are likely to be working to work!!?!

this situation is forseen to worsen due to future of developments of china that will continually progress over a short time.. and what's my point?

in singapore, i guess we do appreciate the comfort we have.. but if we recall, over the recent years.. when singapore built esplanade, when soccer betting was legalized.. and now, when the IR is enroute to being materialized.. the fundamental controversy was about how ready we felt we were? i was just thinking.. our nation grew over such a short period of time... so did our lifestyles evolved with all these developments.. if we stop to look at we who share the society today..

from the way i see it, the changes are so quick that within the age differences of say 2 to 5 years, the amount of exposure we recieve and experience can be so different...

so, were we truly ready to have what we got? or are things simply happening to quickly for us to manage? have you ever experienced trying to eat a dish that's uncooked because you didn't wait long enough for it to be done?

drawing this back to seeking the Lord.. there is a time and place for everything in His plan.. so to share a word of encouragement, i feel that if we keep seeking and asking yet do not recieve, there could be many reasons... maybe our hearts were not tuned correctly, like motives were wrong? or perhaps, there was nothing wrong with what we seeked, but it could be because the time wasn't right in God's plan to give.. we may not have been ready for it, and not have the capacity for it... =)

as from the bible quote i put up few entries ago, “To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven…He has made everything beautiful in its time” (Eccl.3:1, 11)

an experience i recall

2007-06-20T02:33:00.005+08:00

today's cell group with choc-cyan was rather hmm.. refreshing? don't know what words to describe.. but anyway.. i recalled a certain experience i had during my exam period couple of weeks back...

i was stuffed with 4 papers back-to-back.. worst schedule i ever got.. so as people typically react, it's likely to pray more when you're "desperate" and in need...

that morning... as i was frantically flipping through my notes... i told myself, "stop to pray, i need to quieten down in my fluster".. as i put my hands together... i wanted to pray.. a sudden thought came into my mind.. a thought that i wondered why do i always blatantly ask from God? it's as if taking advantage of God. naturally, God gives according to his plan rather than "spoiling" us by answering us blindly.. but momentarily.. it just hit me that i didn't want to just ask from God like that.. it's like.. i wanna pray for my studies and exams... but.. i got sick of just asking so specifically for my desire to be fed... it's like, so unfair.. i ask and ask all the time...

so for that sudden moment.. i remember the song that gave me peace (titled: 祷告). it's almost like my pre-exam regime that i listen to it before all my papers =). well.. point is.. i then turned my attention to the morning blue sky.. opened my arms and closed my eyes.. i kinda felt God took over the place in my mind... it's refreshing... i didn't say a specific prayer.. but simply focused on Him... tranquility and peace filled my mind =) it's so sweet..

at the end of that paper.. the coursemate in front of me asked me how it was.. honestly, i thought i was a goner!! but.. the tenderness of the Lord is just so beautifully comforting and assuring.... the coursemate told me, that when the paper commenced, he heard a loud sigh from me (how embarassing! i didn't even realise it! hee).. but, he assured me not to worry, the paper will turn out fine, because, on hearing the sigh, he said a prayer for me to have peace and calmness to sit through the paper...

it's amazing how the Lord gives unconditionally and so timely.. although the results are not out, and i may still be unavoidably concerned over how i might fair, i know that the Lord was with me and seeing me through the challenges he designed for me to be strengthened by...

just to share with all,

The Notion of Divine Control by Adrian Chua

We must have a notion of divine control form powerfully in our mind, which means maintaining an attitude of complete trust in God. Prayer is not just asking, but an attitude of the mind which produces the atmosphere in which asking becomes perfectly natural.

When we have the notion in our mind that God is always there and the Father knows all things, depending on God in not an effort, it comes naturally when perplexities press.

This is the rule of the Spirit and it works on these principles – God is my Father, He loves me and watches over me, He neither sleep nor slumber and thus all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. Why should I worry?

Keep the notion of the mind of God behind all things strong and growing. Walk in love, pray without ceasing and seek to live a life that is according to His perfect will. Nothing happens in any particular unless God’s will is behind it, thus, rest in perfect confidence and peace in Him.

“Do not be afraid… I am your shield , your exceedingly great reward…If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him” (Gen.15:1; Matt.7:11)

Try to Remember | 深情密码 | 插曲

2007-06-20T02:33:00.004+08:00

Try to remember the kind of September
When life was slow and oh so mellow
Try to remember the kind of September
When grass was green and grain was yellow
Try to remember the kind of September
When you were a tender and callow fellow
Try to remember and if you remember
Then follow Follow follow follow...

Try to remember when life was so tender
That no one wept except the willow
Try to remember when life was so tender
That dreams were kept beside your pillow
Try to remember when life was so tender
That love was an ember about to billow
Try to remember and if you remember
Then follow Follow follow follow...

Deep in December it's nice to remember
Although you know the snow will follow
Deep in December it's nice to remember
Without a hurt the heart is hollow
Deep in December it's nice to remember
The fire of September that made you mellow
Deep in December our hearts should remember
And follow...

a pleasant meet-up by chance

2007-06-20T02:33:00.003+08:00

three days of my one-week school break swiftly glided past... been working at ST's pushcart.. hmm.. honestly not a fabulous job since sales ain't that great.. and it can be tiring to sit around and not have much to do..

today was a 'lil different though.. a familiar face and voice called out to me juz when i was in my usual daze of boredom.. "hey simpatia!". sweet. that was trevao, someone i met since some 4 odd years back.. nice cool brazilian guy, down to earth, and always speaks sincerely.. coming to my thoughts, i realised today was probably a time we held our longest conversation so far.. happy for him about his gal, life and desires to pursue higher education. pray that all goes well for him!!

with pleasant surprises like these, time seems much easier to get by.. on top of that.. my friend/boss for some tour guide lobang came by to discuss some stuff...

and.. my sweetie came too.. hee =) soooooo sweet to come lunch with me.. BUT HE WAS JUST LAZY!! hehe.. got himself a pretty bag and a great price!! and cos of that purchase, stayed with me for dinner till closing time.. heee.. made the day a breeze!

oh yah.. had a house guest since hmm... monday.. it's mabel, this cat... =) shy thing... but today it kinda got comfy with me and strided around me instead of curling up in some corner like that first two days.. wasn't holding on to any cam, if not will take some shots and share them.. =)

that's all folks!

impatience . from adrian

2007-06-20T02:33:00.002+08:00

Most of us want to get somewhere as fast as we could. But too swift is as untimely as too slow. The situation that seems urgent seldom is, and haste sometimes slow down dreams and open doors for failure.

It’s more important to know where we’re going, then to see how fast we can get there. One of the most frequent causes for failure is impatience in waiting for results. Whoever is in a hurry shows that the thing he is doing is too big for him. The greatest assassin of dreams is haste, the desire to claim victory prematurely.

Life is lived in seasons, which means we are to do different things at different times. Be discerning, walk with God and purpose to do the right thing at the right time. A Chinese proverb says ‘Never leave your field in spring or your house in winter’. God never sends a winter without following it with the joy of spring, the growth of summer and harvest of fall.

Cultivate the discipline to embrace life; do not lose yourselves and get disillusioned with the pace and the evaluation standards of the society. A life fully lives in its purpose and seasons glorify the Lord.

“To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven…He has made everything beautiful in its time” (Eccl.3:1, 11)

simple nostalgic thoughts . FOREVER by Damage

2007-06-20T02:33:00.001+08:00

hee.. if any of you belong to the same era, let me share this song with you... it was one of the sweetest music i heard during my secondary school days... and it's among the few english hits i knew and one of my shared favourites with my lovely cuzen pat =)

I'll be loving you forever
Deep inside my heart you'll leave me never
Even if you took my heart, and tore it apart
I would love you still forever

You are the sun
You are my light
And you are the last thing on my mind before I go to sleep at night
You're always around
When I'm in need
When troubles on my mind, you put my soul at ease

There is no one in this world
Who can love me like you do
So many reasons why I want, to spend forever with you

We've had our fun
And we've made mistakes
But who'd guessed along that road, we'd learn to give and take
It's so much more than I could have dreamed
You make loving you so easy for me

Cos this is a world where lovers often go astray
But if we love each other we won't go, won't go that way
So put your doubts aside, do what it takes to make it right
Coz I'll love you forever, no one can tear us apart

I just want you to know that
I can't eatI can't sleep
I can't breath whenever I'm without you
When we walk, I stand tall
When I talk, I only talk about you

realisation of mortality -- what do we know?

2007-06-20T02:33:00.000+08:00

drowning in tonnes of acadamic stuff for my exams.. can't wait for them to be over on thursday... seems like a routine to pop in during my assignments and mugging.. well.. just wanna recommend a very nice taiwanese drama.. before any of you think i'm some drama-fanatic.. i;m not so extreme... what i've watched a well within my ten fingers...

anyway.. before then.. just wondering why to some people not appreciate them at all.. some say that it's girly, others say it's a waste of time.. more say it's unrealistic crap!

to me, it means so much more.. simplistic expressions of emotions, joy, love, sadness, courage and hope.. i tend to feel that it's the willingness to be involved in the characters that bring the tears and laughter when watching them.. and it's therapeutic when we allow ourselves to get involved with these characters.. it helps us to feel the realness in life without diminishing its novelty that brings us our emotions.. we're people, why be so hardened? take a step back and allow ourselves to sink in pure emotions, at least, we shouldn't deprive ourselves from our lives with emotions.

深情密碼 (also known as Silence), I think was aired sometime in 2006. i'm not very updated and i started watching this only after I chanced upon a link online.. one of my bestest gal pals once told me that i'm sometimes very 灰色, hence i would have liked this other series called 战神 (MARS) which i shared in one of my much earlier entries... in Silence, perhaps there's some similarity, since it involved someone with terminal illness.. it's difficult to explain the draw from this production, but it's so much about hope and the value of our time living.. we really don't have the luxury of knowing how much time we have left, do we? perhaps, it's agood thing to be diagnosed with some illness, at least, that rings a bell to the urgency of planning our lives to maximise all that we could ever offer or want to fulfill in our remaining days.. and learn to recognize our perishability.. i haven't completed the series.. probably a-third through only.. gotta continue after my exams.. anyway.. the value of the plot already got me hooked.. and... one of the lines that made an impression was "最多只能fire一个总经理; 能fire的你的儿子的,只有上帝" (you can fire a CEO, but only God can decide to fire your son), blatantly translated, we can do whatever we want with what we seem to possess or have control over; but only God decides when he wants to take away any of it, including our mortal lives.. so live life well, also from the drama "好好活着"

here's the link to the theme song by Harlem Yu, 静静的
http://haloua.zb139.net/download/jingjingde.mp3
also put in the link above to watch the drama online free, so check it out if interested =)

that's all folks.. need to STUDY!!

p.s. Thankz Francis for your wishes!

one of my assignments =)

2007-06-04T04:53:00.000+08:00

>> Altering the Environment to Maximize the Employee Potential

I was motivated to explore the area of Environmental Psychology with Organizational Behavior because I had a personal interest in the aspect of understanding effects of environment interactions with human behavior. To ground this focus and ensure the feasibility of exploring this topic, a fair bit of research was done to retrieve articles that could educate readers on the trends and impacts of environment facilitation on employee behaviors. Numerous reports were found to justify that this area was subtly recognized in organizations, but inadequately adapted for the benefit of companies.

Office layouts and designs were significant reflections of organization culture, and influenced its productivity and efficacy as it primarily determines workflow in the organization (Accounting Office Management & Administration Report, New York, 2006). Office design and ergonomics were found to be closely related to the decrease of productivity in organizations (Dorothy, 1990, & Schneider, 2007). Also, numerous reports have reflected that employees had strong tendencies to be less enthusiastic to work longer hours in the work place unless work environments would be improved (Cullen, 2004, & Schneider, 2007).

Hayward (2007) and Pfeffer (2007) observed that most of these employees had low job satisfaction and did not appreciate the office design. In fact, they found the design disruptive to their work. In both reports, this was attributed to the noise and distraction influenced by the open-concept layout of the office, which interfered with employee functionality. They also reflected to receive inadequate privacy. According to Schneider (2007), if these employees had a more conducive environment, they had a potential to increase their work output by at least 21%.

Despite such negative feedback about the open concept, other firms have reported to benefit from the cost saving and efficiency of this option. Pritin (2004) reported that large firms like PricewaterhouseCoopers and Ernst & Young slashed their office spaces and housed employees in the open-concept layouts while allocating common rooms for meetings. They also made use of slimmer computers to reduce space requirements. This strategy helped the two firms save up to half of their required office area effectively.

While different strategies influence organizations individually, Haley (2004) highlighted that optimum arrangements would establish mutual benefits for the employees and organization. Her advice was to provide employees with liberty and autonomy in managing their personal work space. She found that through this, greater productivity and loyalty were developed for the benefit of the organization.

Hence, it is crucial to observe that while managing physical space and possible cost savings, there is a necessity to look after employee well-being and functionality within the allocated spaces. Otherwise, when the systems were not suitable or practical for the employees who were the end-users, it will result as a design-disaster that would contributed to productivity-disaster as described by Crytzer (2006). It was therefore important to incorporate essentials of equipment and the clarity of workflow into the design of the workplace (Lev-Ram, 2006).

It was however encouraging, realizing that firms are beginning to identify the significance of environmental influences on work productivity. Dorothy (1990) had identified trends of companies approaching specialized interior designers to enhance pleasantness of the work environment. However, In conclusion, the importance of employee satisfaction and appropriateness in developing suitable layout designs were the key to attain greater productivity. There were several ways to achieve this. For instances, involving employees in furniture selection as proposed by Neal (2004), or exploring alternatives of enhancing work place aesthetics by incorporating pleasant interior design as suggested by Patricia (1988).

I have drawn up a newsletter – Office Concepts, with the objective to provide suggestions in providing a better working environment for employees, in order to expand the employee productivity potential.

a night of revision

2007-05-30T05:12:00.000+08:00

seems crappy eh.. revising and blogging..

this subject is quite impactful... weird description?

"social psychology" is something very real in our lives.. basically everything we study in it happens to all of us... it is simply like theorizing our lives... and this relates to my concept of empathy...

it wouldn't seem natural to still believe that people can be kind by nature since we live in a very practical "real world"; at least not in everybody's perspective.

still, as i reflect, observe and see people around... is it true that people have no empathy and are simply unfeeling.. i tend to feel not... and i insist in my opinion.. i feel that.. people (myself included i suppose?) tend to have "hardened" hearts, or possibly "doubtful" and "fearful" hearts.. that's why, we refuse to acknowledge empathy that we all do have for people.. be it friends, family, colleagues.. or anyone... it's like when you see something happening.. whether you act on a response.. don't we all feel that pinch somewhere in our hearts or minds? that little pinch is what i call empathy for people...

"social psych" talks so much about what influences opinions, behaviors, interpretations... about how we draw the equation of what situations or people mean to us... which implies the obvious, that it's all socially constructed...

it can be scary.. and studying this subject makes me revisit my "lifelong" opinion that there's a fine line between being skeptical and realistic or optimistic..

when we become sensitive to break down issues into little components.. we start to understand the possible "whys" and so we recognize the existence of variables that causes opinions and behaviors.. and.. so what could be distinctively right or wrong? it's wrong to kill but if somebody attacks and you retaliate and kill another.. who's responsible? this may be a litttle extreme...

but it's like.. understanding the flow of society, but uncontrollably still being led by the flow... what's a schema and a stereotype? what's "just" or simply the "preferred"? man.. so many questionable issues.. obedience = following instructions = correct, but if instruction were wrong, the obeyer would be at fault?

when we visit the issue of attraction... opposite attracts? or the underlying similarities makes the difference? perception of attractiveness is yet another issue altogether.. but again, is there a biological component that is is "common" standard? well, it seemed to be so in some studies..

man.. social psych.. it's so logical, yet so "big"...

mugging

2007-05-29T07:23:00.000+08:00

hmm.. what a night.. studying social psych.. which's taught by the "by-far-most-cannot-make-it" lecturer!! surely the textbook does a better job!

anyway.. had 2 unexpected online conversations with friends i haven't met or spoken with for months... was a pleasant surprise.. but realised that life wasn't smooth-sailing for everyone..

keep going peeps!! keep your focus and don't stray.. the dark clouds will clear.. sometimes slowly, other times faster.. but all the time surely! =)

missed out writing..

2007-05-24T04:16:00.000+08:00

peeps,

once again i'm back.. and as it was before, i'm blogging amidst my last minute project deadline mad rush.. "mel, you deserve to bang your head!!" hee

been awhile.. and i realise i miss writing.. or blogging.. whatever.. some of you been asking.. what happened to your blog?? basically nothing.. just stopped awhile.. stop being a kid to ask why lah.. hahaha..

anyway.. i had my first experience which i think or believe that i heard the Lord "speak" to me. while i don't think i have a discerning power strong enough.. i really felt that He did..

before you exagerate your thoughts.. it's not like some mega prophecy or revelation, but a gentle reminder and warning that the Lord will not forsake me =)

can't explain it well enough, but its amazing.. really amazing.. that i have to share it with all..

God's glory and wonders MUST BE BROADCASTED!! such things CANNOT BE HIDDEN..

你的视线, 是谅解, 为什么舍不得熄灭, 我逆着光, 却看见

2007-05-24T04:07:00.000+08:00

This song's by Stephanie Sun, one of my fave singers.. Initially, I thought the beat was catchie and i liked it.. and typically of me, i read up lyrics of the songs i like.. and i was trying to like "feel" the song.. which in most cases, secular songs ended up sad and lonely.. but this one.. was pretty unique... i felt like i could sing it to God. hee.. really, God's my light whom I walk away, yet look back and always find Him there, by my side.

也许我一直害怕有答案
也许爱情仅在风里打转
离开释怀, 很短暂又重来
有时候自问自答

我不要困难把我们击散
我责备自己那么不勇敢
遗憾没有到达, 拥抱过还是害怕
用力推开你我一人留下

有一束光, 那瞬间是什么痛得刺眼
你的视线, 是谅解, 为什么舍不得熄灭
我逆着光, 却看见
那是泪光, 那力量我不想再去抵挡
面对希望, 逆着光, 感觉爱存在的地方
一直就在我身旁

我以为无路后退, 反复证明
这份爱有多不对
背对着你如此漆黑, 忍住疲惫
睁开眼, 打开窗, 才发现你就是光芒!

你是光芒

Passion of Christ and the Important Things

2007-04-08T02:05:00.000+08:00

"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

Beautiful and perfect verse this is. But an important note: the bible is God's word as a whole, not one line or one verse, or even one book from it. God's words are written as a combination of books that consists of great promises that we yearn yet are so huge that we may find it overwhelming for us to bear, but, through God, we will be blessed in our lives and desires as long as they are focused in and toward the Lord.

Brothers and sisters, believers and pre-believers, I am a Christian, who is as imperfect as any one of you, who lives a life with as many hurdles and challenges alike, and one who struggles the same way of life between worldly desires understood as "needs" in the society we live in against the values and humble fundamentals of meaningful life and, the walk with Christ.

Along our bumpy paths that will never smoothen, the Lord walks with us and soothes our struggles with comfort and faith, and all it takes is a willingness to humble our hearts - hearts that are hardened and burdened by the seemingly natural yet manipulative percieved fate. All God asks, is for us to throw away some pride to look at ourselves, see and acknowledge the ugliness and imperfection we have, and turn to Him, so that He may embrace us with grace, mercy and the beauty of His great love.

Let us all look at the lives we live, the jobs we seek and the ideals we run after, what are we searching and working for? The obvious component is practical survival, but again, are we working to have enough, or working for an "ideally bigger portion"? Of course, I am no saint and money's never enough for anyone (money is just the best example when discussing lures and greed), point is, are we simply living for a worldly hope for better living, say a bigger house, car to drive, more shopping, nicer food? Again, I can't deny the infinate times I wish I had a list from A to Z, and dream to earn X amounts to afford them all... But, this dream ultimately is an ideal, an empty hope that is like buying toto for a $10million prize or like a fable that will not exist out of a whoof of clouds...

I shared in cell my opinion about why it could be difficult to reach out to people: it's like we are all seemingly "able", "independant" and "well" in our lives that having what people call a "religion" appeared "obviously dispensable". It seems easier to bow down when we're down and out, to shout in our hearts in a silent yet desparate cry to ask for help from the Lord (believers and non-believers alike) to say that we can't cope and we need Him. But I certainly hope that more and more of us will realise what it means to be "nothing" without the Lord. I used to joke with an ex-colleague about her work in the airport, that out of the airport, we're nothing! We'd have to start from scratch to get into new cultures and the ropes of stuff. "Nothingness" is way more complexed then feeling useless, I interpret it as "meaningless, hopelessness and disbelief in life".

This sharing is inspired by the play I watched tonight staged by Westside Anglican Church. It depicts a life so typical of all of us and emphasizes on the arrogance we hold on to for seriously no other reason than a certain pride (that's my way of describing it). It's just so important to humble ourselves and know that there's a God, and He moulded us, sees us, hears us, picks us up and continues to mould us in His kingdom and for His kingdom.

Passion of the Christ, is like a version of "pop-Christianity" I feel, simply because of its media nature. But, God works in wonders, and no matter what conditions the hearts were as people watched this movie, it didn't matter so much how they felt before watching it, in my view at least. The good thing is, all of you, whether you liked it, wanted to believe it or otherwise, a seed was planted in you, to have imagined or visualized what Christ did for all of us, and that you have at least then once heard, of God's love for all of us.

And the emphasis of this is: the only thing which people acknowledge as constant is change which we adapt to, and the next comes along before we're done with the first. But there is actually another one constant in our lives, and that is God - to whom we need to avail our lives and hearts to be tuned to, to be in His consistant love.

God bless to all, and have a great Easter Sunday! While I may not be terrific to share the gospel, I wish that at least one if not some could benefit and have a certain willingness to recieve the Lord. If you've been touched even by the slightest bit or can relate to any single word, don't even have to think twice to say your first prayer in your hearts to God, to ask for a somebody in His kingdom to help you know Him more, and prayer for a path to draw you to Him; perhaps you could just speak to your Christian friends or anyone, certainly, doors are wide open for you =).

With love.

Check this out ladies =)

2006-10-16T04:37:00.000+08:00

http://mysummershop.blogspot.com

http://www.mysweetsshop.blogspot.com/

from angie...

2006-10-03T11:00:00.000+08:00

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

Got this from my sweet gal... =) check it out http://www.blogthings.com/keystoyourheartquiz/

The four candles,,,

2006-09-21T17:01:00.000+08:00

the 4 candles burn slowly, the ambience was so soft you could hear them talking…

the 1st one said, “i am peace, however, nobody can keep me lit, i believe i will go out…”
its flame rapidly diminishes and goes out completely…

the 2nd on says, “i am faith, most of all, i am no longer indispensable, so it doesn’t make any sense that i stay lit any longer…”
when it finishes talking, a breeze softly blew on it putting it out…

sadly, the 3rd candle spoke in its turn, “i am love, i haven’t got the strength to stay lit, people put me aside and don’t understand my importance; they even forget to love those who are nearest to them…”
and waiting no longer it goes out…

suddenly, a child enters the room and sees 3 candles not burning, “why are you not burning? you are supposed to stay lit till the end…”
saying this, the child begins to cry…

then the 4th candle said, “don’t be afraid, while i am still burning, we can re-light the other candles, i am hope.”
with shining eyes, the child took the candle of hope and lit the other candles…

the flame of hope should never go out from your life… it keeps love, faith and peace...

yawnz...

2006-09-18T06:31:00.000+08:00

doom day... muahahaha... just finished my revision for the statistics test this evening...

hope the knowledge has been retained... sleeping time... fortunately it's an evening paper...

hmm... i better not wake up with a blank mind!!!

Blessed be Your name

2006-09-17T23:33:00.000+08:00

this is specially for terence, huiling and all from cyan-chocolate..

i know the Lord is with me.. thank you for keeping me in your thoughts.. today's worship was wonderful.. i had to run off, lots to catch up for my paper i'm having tomorrow so didn't stay for the sermon.. but yah... the worship this morning touched my heart... been awhile since i experienced the intensed presence of the Lord like what i went through the same time last year.. what can i say, God's amazing in the way He moves.. i don't know how to explain this.. i'm pretty certain that many would have experienced what i did this morning in the context of their own situations..

this is the first time i heard this song "blessed be the name" but the lyrics touched me very deeply.. He gives and takes away.. in a time of sadness, confusion and even judgements, it's only through God that i may receive the strength to overcome what i need to... life is interesting.. people are difficult to understand... in a short summary of reflection... i think about when do i seek the Lord most..

when my life seems too comfortable, too complacent.. i seek Him because it seems as if besides God, there is nothing else i can want... God becomes the only unreachable but most desirable to fulfill my life..

when i go through trials and challenges, i seek Him for courage, strength, wisdom and guidance, for when i am weak, and the path gets difficult, it's most sensitive to experience the wonders of God.. i question why things were so, and why did i have to face it.. but i know it was all for a cause, His cause.. no matter what unveils eventually, it's according to His plan and He knows the steps i will take and choices i will make..

today, i feel strengthened... faith built... my heart still weak over some stuff, but i know, I will never be alone... God knows best my heart and my thoughts as He knows everyone of us..

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow

When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness

When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'

On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to sayLord, blessed be Your name

退一步...

2006-09-14T04:56:00.000+08:00

退一步，让自己看得更清楚
或许，这是人生奇妙的地方

其中的欢乐无比，悲伤崎岖无奈
无常的生活滋味，成为人生道路的课程

一步步往前，一步步学习，点点滴滴的成长
仿佛到了尽头，却又像是一段新的旅途的开始

似乎感觉迷惑，乌云笼罩
正在等待天晴后的彩虹

我坚信，人生每个挑战，每次的成功或失败
当中都有奥秘，让我们慢慢的体会，渐渐领悟

...

2006-09-12T14:56:00.000+08:00

i think i understand a little why some people wish they simply died or wished the world stopped... but don't worry.. it's not an option i thought of..

i know you will read this... it's not dedicated to anyone... it's what i'm feeling now that's all... and i don't want to explain anything about it to anyone that's why it's here..

disparity...

2006-09-10T03:14:00.000+08:00

in the midst of revision for my test now... very distracted...

life is simply difficult... each time i thought things became clearer... dark clouds will start to gather... and everytime the clouds seem to disperse... a sudden downpour follows... the rain gets so heavy i gotta run... but i slip and fall... find the nearest shelter to hide... and wait for the rain to at least subside a little... just when i thought the weather was almost fine... i attempt to continue walking... then... lightning strikes again... i walk quickly... but now thunder starts to roar... someone came and offered to share an umbrella... i shared the temporary shelter... but it was pouring so badly with strong wind blowing... almost blowing the umbrella away... before i know it.. both persons are almost drenched...

when will the sun shine again? and which morning can i wake to see a rainbow? can i be taken away into solitary or vanish in a breath? lock me in a cave or something...

i love the smile on my face as much as i detest it to the core... i'm breaking down in bits... i dislike the face i see in the mirror... because it keeps away what is hidden inside this empty shell... jaded? who am i to qualify my feelings with such a word? i try to feel but paralysis overpowers... have i not felt or have i felt too much... life-weary? is that what they call it?

a friend, a soulmate, a companion, a confidante, someone who knows, someone who understands... someone i seek... but what have i for giving to deserve?

i'm even further reduced to smaller bits... so undeserving... so puny and so small... self-pity is the pathetic word i have for myself...

the beautiful ideal drawing broke into soggy pieces when the rain came... am i able to start painting again, i always tried after each storm... it usually turned out to be a better one... now i hold the brush... not knowing what to paint... have i been trying too hard to paint? each time i attempt... i put in more effort... and it got better... now my mind is blank... how to try harder? is there such a thing as trying harder? what is harder?

i miss the faith in hope... where did it go? i'm now restless... i feel sorry for my state... useless bum feeling sorry for myself as if it would help... why do i have no heart to do anything that could help?

a coward i see... wanting to embrace but afraid to open my arms...it's no wonder no one finds faith in me since i find none in myself... can i just fall into deep sleep and not wake to face the gloomy weather?

...

2006-09-09T15:08:00.000+08:00

pride and fear cages hearts of people from giving and receiving love... another sadness of life...

Irritating... Idiotic... Uncivilized PIECES OF SHIT!

2006-09-08T19:14:00.000+08:00

Hey peeps...

Came by my blog and found 2 strangers tagging the cbox with links to porn sites... I've deleted it anyway... probably some online database mass polution in blogs or something... anyway... just a note...

mel

hello

2006-09-06T13:48:00.000+08:00

hey bros and sis in Christ! yeah.. i kinda left imdtly after service this sunday cos had to come back to start working on some tests and assignment due dates coming up..

been procrastinating.. and now still semi-procrastinating... very bad... but sigh... a certain load of distractions left me in some restless dazy mode... not been functional... but of course... i do know that when stuff have to done.. they have to be done anyhow...

the sad part about life is simply like how life goes on as a surface of perceptions and coldness in this world.. but who seeks beneath this facade to find and understnad true hearts and feelings.. my gosh.. how did i actually come up with that... have i started to follow, or have always been following the world in the slavery of society? why is it difficult to forgive? why is it tough to let go? why is it a struggle to stop the tears? why is it a battle to survive? why is it a fight to take each new step? why is it wrong to seek? why is it easy to comprehend yet almost impossible to accept? why is there a label of doing right or wrong? why is there "bad" if we know the "good"? treachery in life? or should i say irony? or perhaps the drama and joke of life?

i just read a book (all of you would know i DON'T read.. but this is special.. a gift from my dear girl... "tuesdays with morrie" a beautiful book.. reminding me of how i let "love" keep my life going since very young days... if you've read it... it's about how an old professor lived his last days by learning to value significance of living after he found out he was ill with a fatal disease... just some thoughts and reflections... life is odd but interesting... like a puzzle that you can solve yet may not understand... it is joyful yet depressing... you learn that you've loved when you've lost... you learn to treasure when you do not possess... but... when you didn't lose or possess... you wouldn't have realised the need to treasure or the love you had... it's as if simplicity is the key... as in.. we go back down to basics.. you know.. as a child.. we cry easily as much as we give and seek.. along the path of growing up.. the hurt comes in more forms like anger, pain and loss.. then we grow up becoming more mature as we are supposed to be... and understand these emotions... instead of loving and giving... we develop fear to give yet are hungry to seek and receive... which seems like an impossible to reconcile equation... until one day.. we know we are departing this world.. (assuming we die physically through sickness) then instantly.. everything becomes immaterial.. because we finally face the impermanance of life even we knew it was such all along and we knew well we would depart someday... but only till the moment we realise time was no longer our bargain.. then we go back to basics... of the emotions, memories and loves of our life that we will treasure so much more.. they return to us in our hearts becoming the most valuable things in life that are beyond valuation.. just as if they were when we had simple minds as children...

the reading made me cry... it was a book of simple words that touched my heart and reminded me of how i wanted to live my life and still want to... it's a very humanistic book...

just some sharing with love..

mel

vehicle dummy?

2006-08-27T21:23:00.000+08:00

man.. i know i'm not an expert driving an impressive machine that brings people to places.. but seriously.. i dun understand why is she so darn uptight about some things...

it's not as if i'm asking to take the wheels on my own or what.. but she simply takes everything so extremely personally that it can get really unbearable at times...

scenario 1 of the day:

she says: now go...
my reaction: *pause* didn't accelerate and stopped
she says: aiyah now don't go, got bicycle
i say: yah i saw it...

... to be continued...

scenario 2 of the day:

vehicle parked literally in the middle of the lot...
she says: shift leftward since it's a cornered lot
i say: actually ok lah.. enough space both sides
she says: just shift more, so the next car's door further away, won't hit us...
i say: ok
my reaction: move out, reposition reverse...
she simultaneously says: turn left more, more... aiyah.. i say more.. now right.. right...
i say: ok already what... very straight already..
she says: why can't you just turn when i say turn
i say: cos when i'm steering, i go by my own judgement..
(naturally i don't steer the wheel by "commands")
[RETRIEVE INFO FROM SCENARIO 1]
she says: like just now, i ask you to go you don't go
i say: cos i saw the bicycle
she says: how could you have seen it, my angle definately made me see it first
i say: well, i saw it when it was already my left front what..
she says: don't understand why i must be so "cannot be told what to do"
i say: ok, maybe you can logically see it first, but i noticed it first..
her reaction: that "you are impossible and ridiculous expression"

i mean seriously.. what does she want with me... please lah.. give me a break... in anything and everything... must only "do as you are told actions" be acceptable ones?? and who's the one with the super ego who can't err??

scenario 3 of the day:

i picked up the phone and dialed a number... the line was ringing..
she picked up the other headset to say "i'm using the phone"
the line was picked up = line got through while we were holding the 2 handsets simultaneously..
i say: i dialled already... it's mine
she says: i called first lah
then i put the phone down
(bearing in mind i heard who answered the phone on the other end knowing it was the call i made)
all these over the phone handset..
i mean please lah...

speechless...

i have things to say

2006-08-19T01:18:00.000+08:00

i'm not very happy right now... it's not very describable to explain how i feel... but.. just feel bugged...

things in life happen so quickly... seems faster than a flash of lightning... and as every moment passes us by, the next moment takes over more efficiently than ever... we just seem to be at the mercy of time huh??

grandma was admitted to hospital this evening... she's alright now... should be asleep on the hospital bed i saw her coupld of hours ago... you know... the world functions in an odd way... beyond comprehension...

we know that we live.. go through a whole cycle of pretty "standard" processes and phases laid by society... then we eventually take our last breath... probably all of us sees this transit in our life since way back... but... it just gets so hurtful and worrying over an elders' sickness and we can't bear to let people dear to our hearts leave us... it's all a normal human emotion... but i'm only saying that it's odd because it's like we knew such situations will confront us some day in our lives... but we'll never be able to take it when it comes... why is life such an irony?

a friend, and sister in Christ had a word with me during cell today... i know and understand her words... and i'm chewing hard.. trying to swallow every line she said to me... i am struggling on a very fine line now... i can't describe it.. it's like.. whether what i know equates to what i really truthfully know and believe in? am i fighting to convince myself over anything? or was i truly convinced once but having doubts over my convictions? k.. my brains aren't functioning very well now perhaps... tired... in need of sleep...

somebody shared about her life testimonies and struggles about how real God is in her life... i know God is very real in my life too... and we are put on many tests and trials in this transiting realm of life we are given... if this is a test, let Thy will be done for the Lord has made and known everyone of us in His plan, to do and choose what He desires us to decide for... and all the consequences... He knew well before creating our existence... why we were where we were once, and why we are at current state now... and where we will be...

truly... states of uncertainty or agony... what are they? and where did they come from? perhaps self? my current psychology course... it is building knowledge for me... but the process of rationalizing how we function as human is like... hmmm how should i describe it... all the different schools of thoughts are applicable... like how our desires and satisfaction is driven... why do we seeks what we seek and why do we feel what we feel when we have or haven't attained them...

k.. i guess it's really too much liao... everything i'm typing is like scattered chunks of words... not really getting anywhere... well.. to all.. take care and good night!

with love =)

back

2006-08-17T03:43:00.000+08:00

=) i left this place vacant for awhile... i came back at least once a day.. stare at this page.. attempting to put in some words.. but somehow never got anything up...

some moments, i dread to face the decision i made... because it's more painful than many can imagine... let alone the judgements made from people close or far...

i'm comforted that amidst this... some dear ones have took part in my life in very special ways and touched my heart deeply... my family rarely had any glimpse of my life... and sometimes.. it could be hurtful that they may see a different movie out of how i may be living my life... but i'm never more thankful to have my brother... that little was told.. yet he is with me.. i never learnt how to express myself better.. but i love him dearly..

though technically an adult for many years... there's still a long path ahead... a friend shared about challenges like a mountain some time back... i remember it vividly... i took the words as a good teaching... now... i'm taking them in yet a different way... i do not think i overcame any mountain... just that.. when facing the mountain. we mapped and climbed it... now.. i finish at the other side of it.. i look back.. not to remember it was a glorious victory... but to smile and give you and i a pat on the shoulder and say... it wasn't easy, but we completed it in our way... the bumpy roads, bruises we got, and the sunshine we saw... everything was beautiful... but now... we are off to hike our new routes and mountains... bringing with us lessons of how we fell, picked ourselves up, how we perservered, how we smiled... all written into an episode our life stories.. so that when we emerge on other mountains peaks, we could still wave and give a smile from afar =)

now, i'm enroute my new journey.. writing the next chapter... wanting to fill it with smiles and joy... inevitably, i could trip and fall, perhaps still shed tears.. but looking forward to embrace it all...

time to go

2006-08-08T21:39:00.000+08:00

to all those who heard me, saw and felt my pain and tears:

thank you for being here. i haven't been well emotionally and probably still not. but i'm now picking up the shattered pieces that i broke. i'm sorry that i hurt or disappointed one or more along the way, especially those who cared for us or were hopeful.

that's all i have to say. opinions, judgements, criticism, seriously are not what i can defend against or explain further about.

it's all for time to help us out and for God to watch over us.

"unfolding the smile you see, may be the truth of ugliness"

with love, me

left for awhile

2006-08-04T16:46:00.000+08:00

hmm realised i left this place in isolation when i recieved an sms this morning..

just some updates.. technically i am fine =) to all those who may be wondering... yes, i'm ok =)

you know i just feel.. it's true to say that you don't feel things may be so precious till you realised you're losing them.. or perhaps, you might have lost them.. but.. on the road to losing.. if you disregard the vibes you're getting.. and simply wait and see.. then chances of ultimately losing them is really high..

life is really about choices.. at every stage... like.. as a teenager.. if you choose to study a certain path of studies but you fail.. you can decide to re-sit the subject or course.. but.. you could also switch a course.. or otherwise you may procastinate and see how things turn out.. till you see it in your face that nothing has happened but the world is telling you, you took too long... you made no efforts.. so it could be even harder than difficult to pick yourself up..

=)

2006-07-27T22:56:00.000+08:00

星星就是穷人的珍珠
你的笑支撑着我虔诚的最初

smile

2006-07-26T15:19:00.000+08:00

joy in the heart brings a smile to the face...
and a smile on the face brings joy to those around =)

sigh-ish mood

2006-07-23T12:46:00.000+08:00

seems like the moment i'm not doing anything... i will just go online and come into my blog to type something...

aiyah... i can't even figure out myself properly... actually no lah i can lah... just dunno... i think i'm too imaginative... live with so many assumptions i made about people... like assuming their reaction... then everytime i kena bull's eye, then feel like... "sigh, i knew that was coming" sounds so negative... sometimes i find myself very wierd... seeking what i do not wish to seek, trying to achieve what i do not want... so contradicting... today's mood is so indescribable... no, not today... but these days... i can wake up feeling chirpy... or feel like crying the moment i open my eyes... so odd...

seriously, nothing is that wrong with my life... at least nothing seems fatal enough to be too wrong... since i'm like any other normal human being breathing the same air in this world, sharing some space where i set my feet upon... what could be so wrong about it?

suddenly thought about what we talked about last night... that i find myself trying to reason out the cause of a reaction or gesture i recieve from any other - boyfriend, friend, acquaintant, family, colleague... so it somehow always seem logical and "dutiful" to emphatize, forgive and understand... or not even forgive... because when i understand, i already know it's not a fault... then it gives not basis for anger, thus no basis for forgiveness... hey... i'm not trying to sound like a noble person... cos i'm no where near it... just that it seems logical enough to be interpreted this way...

sigh... feeling so sigh-ish today... k lah... enough... bye!

ignorant wor.. wahahaha

2006-07-23T02:02:00.000+08:00

ignorant = sua gu lah.. hahaha

i got my date with my gal buddy this afternoon... but whoa... ok... i broke my own incredible record having her wait for my more than an hour... i know it pricks her that i made her feel so unimportant to me... i'm so terribly sorry... i seriously can't apologize enough for that sweetie...

well... but... of course... you never fail to make my day... hugz and kisses for you babe!! enjoyed standing in front of taka watching the percussion busking thingee despite the weather... just so fun right... butts itching to dance to the beat!! heehee...

just for the benefit of those who didn't hear about my day yet... my gal buddy... happened to have a friend who's at orchard when we were there... then she generously introduced lah... and he kindly offered to drive me to tiong bahru where i was going to meet my other friend for dinner, since we were going to leave and gal sweetie is meeting her family in orchard... this is the most sua gu part of the day lor... cos... this guy who drives this 2-door white machine!! hahaha... so "gong" lor i felt... made me feel like some commoner from a different part of the world... hahaha... anyway... the hilarious part about me... being typically me... was... when i saw the machine... i was trying to see what car is it lah... cos like impressive thing mah... but huh... every label was like removed lor... so 1st attempt failed... then... i actually couldn't find the "door handle" in sight!!... hahaha... lucky ah... i caught it fast enough before being noticed... so getting into the vehicle wasn't too tough... he said the door is heavy so nicely slammed the thing for me lah... the next, was me feeling so ultra bimbo... never sat in such a machine mah... then... try so hard to look out for the brand name still... darn... i can't even identify the car i was sitting in!!! never mind... not all ah... still got ultimate embarassment... when i was going to get off, again he say door heavy so told me to hang on... the he got off and wanted to walk over to like close it for me after i get off mah... but... aiyoh... so ku-ku lor me... i was like "eh!" just before he closed his door, he then "huh?" and i'm like "how to open the door?" wahahahahahahaha... i couldn't find the thing to open the door from inside lah!!! wah... so cannot make it lor... hahahahahahahaha... huge joke of me lor...

k lah... anyway... didn't hang out too late... got myself home before 12... =) dinner at the hawker was simple but nice... i guess today's mood was pretty laid back and relaxing... everything nice and slow... silly but pleasant... even tea at wheelock was good since we got a pretty exclusive seat to chat a little and like take the longest time ever to finish 1 slice of cake... heehee... a good time spent lah =)

hmm... somehow not all for the day... spent over an hour talking to my dear gal on the phone... chatting about taking up some dance lessons which i really can't quite wait to... but most importantly... we were discussing our lives like the wierdest friends of friends... why do i say so?? cos we were so into what we're both saying... but pretty much speaking in different and opposing languages... but while we were like chicken and duck... we somehow were understanding each others foreign language... you know how thankful it is to have somebody like that... we like tell each other off, and then the other defenses like nobody's business even she knows there's nothing to defend for... then... there's an unwritten understanding of... "yes i know what you were saying, and yes i know you were right"... this is something i'm so happy about... but dread... cos you ah... almost just pass off as a worm in my stomache!! you sly spy!! wahahahahaha

anyway... thankz to all who made my day =) sweet dreamz!

last night

2006-07-22T11:10:00.000+08:00

last night was like a night of a few activities... not all intended... but a continuation of the restless mood from the early part of the day...

cell was fruitful once again... thank God for speaking to each of us in His own way... well... that brings me to the verses that has the word "knowledge" reappearing so frequently... it's about the "knowledge of God" vs the "intimate knowledge of God"... in focus of bible study, it is so true that many may have the "technical knowledge" of the bible... but do we actually know the Lord we call heavenly Father? and how many are in the hunger of more of the Lord since we live days like we do not seem to need God at all... like i mentioned in an entry from last week's cell, terrible times we are in now... are the daily issues we face each day that surround and blind many of our hearts... comfort seems like the greatest challenge we face... how ironic... because we no longer feel threat... we no longer "need" God in a certain way... and without this "hunger" per say, how do we actually diligently seek Him and His word to guide us to understand the fear of the Lord...

taking this a little further... on the part of "knowledge" it makes us look at even the people around us... partaking bits in our lives... families, friends etc... how much do we know? how much do we share? i kinda still believe i'm very driven or affected by emotions... so i go with comfort with people... and gutt feel... stop telling me how silly that is lah... (i know some are having that in their minds) in the context of people... its like... how do you define knowing somebody? the example that was mentioned... was our SM LKY, we all know him, through the news, through his books... and things written about his life... but that equates to plain understanding of his actions... but who really would be the one who knows him... that comes down to his family? and probably friends... likewise for ourselves... who are those we share "knowledge" with? and who are those we share a "relationship" with? who are those we claim to know but equates only to like the competency of knowledge rather than an intimate understanding of the other?

was initially intending to head home... but a couple of ex-colleagues were meeting up... of whom i haven't met for a long time... wasn't extra fun or what... but glad that my presence was appreciated... turned up at the place i haven't been to... heard some updates from them... so quite glad... it's pretty interesting how people function... was only seconds since i stepped in... seriously i don't think i behaved any different... but one was asking, "what's on your mind? do you have a decision to make? what's bothering you?" no goosebumps... but just... some people can tell i guess since i always felt i wasn't that difficult to read as a person to begin with... well... restless but i really wasn't in the mood to talk that much about stuff... so didn't lah... anyway... enroute home, the other asked again... "are you sure you are fine?" ok, to be honest... i don't like have such a huge burden of issues on my back... but... thoughts did fill my mind lah... but... was it that obvious?? hahaha... but somehow he was saying... that i was pretty obviously bothered cos this was the only time it was so obvious lah... actually i really don't know how i showed it or how i don't...

anyway... the night didn't end though i got home... was just so restless... texted others to meet up again... a night of not much conversations... just... meet + food... no exchanging of anything deep or real... i think i just wanted to go out for whatevers reason...

all's over... came home at super odd hours... washed up... but... can't imagine feeling so fresh and awake still... i didn't sleep very well... woke up pretty early... and spent most time trying to fall back to sleep but just couldn't... sigh...

the greatest perk i expect from today... will be meeting the angel in my life!! k... angel is not that appropriate... but yeah... she's wonderful gal! seeya babe!

restless

2006-07-21T18:15:00.000+08:00

just feeling restless... came in with a blank mind... wanna drop a few lines but dunno what to write... heading for my home cell in a short while...

i feel like going out leh... but... also like mood abit sian... woke up feeling a little grumpy already this morning... dunno why also... now... nobody's home... everybody went out to have fun... how shiok eh...

earlier today went to the so-called office... and dialed the first few numbers (equates to cold calls) to some people who are supposed to be interested to sell houses... whoah... this job no joke leh... k lah... i knew it lah... that's why i'm kinda dragging myself a little to even get started... then... for 3 days... mum has been going to office with me... then huh... must like PR with the whole world... not like i really mind lah... but just that... is truly a "people's business"... sounds silly lah... i usually don't have a problem smiling... but... i don't like to feel like i have to smile you know... hahaha... okok... i'm making myself sound so "dao" suddenly... that's not what i meant lah... but i guess... in very practical sense, this embarkation will be good training ground for me... to humble myself as much as to build some ego confidence... geez... that's actually how i describe it...

k lah... till the next... since i'm pretty much available with time at my desk... my entries will prob be more frequent than daily... hee....

some brain teasers.. am i a genius heehee

2006-07-21T02:10:00.000+08:00

hey i got this right on first try... while reading.. not just counting k... whoa... if the statement of being a genius was true... yeah hey!!! hahaha... k lah.. crap... anyway... just thought they were pretty interesting... i like such stuff.. =)

ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST
Count every " F" in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...

HOW MANY ? WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.
The reasoning behind is that the brain cannot process "OF".
Go back and look again!! Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.

O lny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.

cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,

it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs psas it on !!

pyjamas

2006-07-21T01:00:00.000+08:00

over that crazy conversation.. we mentioned pyjamas.. just before turning in.. hahaha.. just had to add this in.. heehee..

seriously who in the world invented pyjamas? and when was it in my growing up life that i abolished the pratice of using pyjamas? hahahaha.. just find it funny to think about..

keep your minds on the right track yah.. cos i'm referring to proper sleep wear when we are at home sleeping alone.. so don't let your minds stray..

just wondering.. for guys and gals close enough who i know.. for the majority would be:

guys: topless and boxers or some shorts / some t-shirt or singlet and shorts / sarong?? heehee... you know who you are... ;)

gals: t-shirt, some spaghetti or singlet thingee and shorts / someone i know still wear pyjamas!!

hahahaha... interesting eh... recalling... as a kid... i was always made to wear some orbit looking pants categorized as pyjamas to go to bed in... in fear that the air-con would freeze me to death or something... wahahahahahaha... then... eventually... i introduced the "t-shirt and shorts" category in place of pyjamas in my home... i would think... that was in my early teens... it seems even like more trendy to sleep in that!! hahaha... how silly... heehee... then mum would nag and say... aiyah.. later cold... but have i not grown surviving the cold all these years... wahahaha... then... somewhere midway... replaced that with assortment of sleeveless tops or t-shirts and shorts... and i got that... "huh... aiyoh.. later cold ah" comment again... hahahaha...

k lah.. abit ku-ku to talk about this lah... but just even nostalgic to sometimes think of the word pyjamas... so cute... hahahaha... =D

finding some balance =)

2006-07-21T00:35:00.000+08:00

spent most of the day with mum... then the car thingee... generally things were fine... tho something is still bugging me... but i'm doing well today =) guess my mood was really quite cheery because the car thing really didn't quite affect me... =p

met up with a bro... somebody i knew some years back but never really spoken to deeply... this evening was a time we chat a fair bit... and somehow... he drew some balance in my life... was getting a little lopsided with some stuff... but... yah... these couple of weeks were like times of re-tuning my mind and soul... heehee... i must add... had a 'lil crazy chat over the phone with a sweet fella too... original intention to cheer him a little... i ended up in a silly school-time like conversation which was pretty fun... thankz dude if you're reading ;) wahahahahaha!!

guess my recent entries are a little weird... i don't actually re-read my own posts... because they were simply emotions during a particular time which i "recorded" down... but feelings and emotions that i go through are things that don't leave my life... well at least so far that's how i think i am...

i don't find a real link between some of the entries... but... based on my recollection... they are a chain of fluctuating emotions i kinda have been fighting within myself... but i don't spell everything so clearly... like prefer a little ambiguity in the blog that likely some would know, some could guess or others may wonder what i write about... i may eventually forget... or remember events vaguely... but how i felt will probably sting me or warm my heart as i take every step in this worldly realm of life... and these are probably the things that discourages me most or boosts my strive the best... as i always believe... strongest weapons are likely the weakest defence; vice versa... and for me... would think emotions are one of them... =)

with this... i'm turning in... wish everybody a good night... going to bed with a smile... hee =)

boo-boo with the car!!

2006-07-20T15:48:00.000+08:00

today has been fine... but... just as i was short of parking the vehicle to be home... this happened... some contractors left these wooden crates at the edge of the curb behind the parking lot... happily there i was... reversing the vehicle... gleefully contented with how aligned it was... then... the infamous "krrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" sound was heard! darn!! anyway... the contractors' banglah workers were there... they were reluctant to give the contractor's contact lah... but we got it anyway... mum was with me... and bro saw it from upstairs... =p but... the thankful part is... i was reversing really slowly... if not... would have been worse... phew... fortunately my mum was around to be my witness... if not... gonna be nagged at for dunno how many months down the road ;)

some pics for you to vision the whole thing... honestly... i didn't see those crates... but again... i should have been more careful... lesson for the day with the car...

here you can see the damage done... ouch yeah??

in a good mood

2006-07-20T00:21:00.000+08:00

dun ask me why... but i am... =)

i'm smiling =)

2006-07-19T16:50:00.000+08:00

i just took a half hour power nap... hmmm... feels good =)

this silly woman huh... putting silly comments in my previous entry that i had to delete the entire entry because i didn't kn0w how to delete and didn't know if i could delete a comment... hee...

well well... evening is drawing near... got to get myself ready for school very soon... the bank woman pissed me off again just now... she was really too much lah... i just had to send that stinker mail and called her to give her a piece of my mind... anyway... it's finally really settled... phew...

hey sweet one... did you hear that i kinda teared when i was talking to you huh? so silly... the table is turned around now from how it was when you talked to me about very similar situations... but... that crap conversation i had with you was really crazy... hahaha... yah... i didn't have to do things to realise how silly i am... cos i already know... ku-ku right... so kiddish lah...

i guess it applies to many if not everyone, to fear to give because of the fear of feeling unreciprocated... or fear to receive something worse than not receiving... so that could be why people stop giving...

i have a contradicting mind... more often i have expectations not simply from people... but also from myself... i set a subconscious benchmark of the shoulds and should nots but seem to realise they are so idealistic that i cannot be capable of fulfilling them... because... i'm human... i develop a problem of self forgiveness which equates to guilt... darn... sounds so sad... but these are real aren't they? i don't know... i do silly stuff... and really walk into walls with eyes wide open... many times... i hear a loud bang... and feel the pain... then realise i'm sitting on the floor with a bad bruise on my head... then my mind spins... but... still got to get up and get moving... then... there are also times... very few times... where i still see walls... and walk into them... but the walls dissolve as if it was some secret door to nirvana (ok... i just can't find the right word to describe what's in my mind)... i wouldn't know how many walls i need to walk into to find the door... to keep walking needs courage too... because... if you never try to take that step... you wouldn't know if it's pain or relief... well... if we learn to avoid the walls... it could seem fine... but would be like walking in the maze of hmm... say life? you walk and walk... but it's a maze of no exits... the only way is to find the right walls that dissolve with your touch... so that you may take a step in that secret door...

this is an afternap mini-revelation for me... silly eh... but i like it =)

and for you my dear... we dun have to really be that reckless (or silly) to realise certain things, do we? my opinion stands... there are things we do not have to risk... an experiences we do not have to create to become history of the lives we live... despite agreeing with you... that life's too short for many things... it ain't that long to be worth it for agony that eats in from memories, am i that bit right in saying this? thanks for reminding me what i've ever shared as advice... i really forgot to use it on myself ;)

ok... have a good evening... off i go... God bless all =)

i know you wrote about me

2006-07-18T01:09:00.000+08:00

hey sweet b****... yeah i know what you've written... fully understand it... i prefer to post my reply in my blog simply because, you know why... anyway i know you'll come by...

"motion doesn't equate to progression" i fully agree...

i'm probably one of those who has refused to even come clean with myself (you, the other of the same kind)... that's why i always depend on people like you... who simply reads me so well and clear to tell me stuff as if throwing me off a cliff... it somehow seems more acceptable being told off than to face how nasty, mean or pathetic i could be as a person... hee... k lah... probably not that bad lah huh... but you get me don't you?

having that conversation with you lifted my spirits alot... i'm taking courage... to face certain issues and choices better... making the effort to at least... i seriously can't remember when was it that i lost the "drive" which seemed to affect my whole life for a long time... but yah.. like you put it... we seem to be the type of people who wish that the world evolves around us than we evolve around others... selfish creatures aren't we? you know... last night... he told me that i am somebody who anticipates and fits certain expectations on people with the roles they play in my life, like bf = such behaviour; friends = such comfort zone; family = such duty etc... thinking deeper... seems true to some extent huh?

sometimes i even wonder... if i seek to help others simply to help myself in a way... like to feel more human... hee... k... before whoever else is reading draws some conclusion... this isn't meant to be some negative emotional entry... but she who's reading would truly understand in the actual context... others may interpret it otherswise, up to you really =)

you know... tonight i told somebody that i don't even fully trust myself... i didn't know how i came to make such a statement of myself... but you do know it's not based on nothing right... my mind or my heart sometimes move faster before i could understand fully... they sway around principles i laid and practiced for most of my life... i wonder... do i even understand myself enough according to my desires and needs... we'll talk more when we meet this weekend yah... i'm getting sleepy... better stop before i blabber rubbish in my own blog... heehee... hugz sweet b****, love you a great deal!

she said i am gutless

2006-07-17T11:01:00.000+08:00

what a joke eh? well, it has always been easy to look at things from a 3rd party's perspective, to be able to analyse and comment... somehow when facing our own situations... many a time i would think, we are not totally blinded, more like we, or i, refuse to face certain facts or truths that we know best ourselves... conclusion: my bestie said i'm simply GUTLESS! well i don't quite deny it since she is one of the very few who truly can read me pretty well and accurately... like some psychic...

i need to pull some threads together now... decision in life is pretty much about choices... what we want or do not want... and if we want it, how much effort do we put in for it?

it's probably not always telling the whole world about how bad or negative i feel... this sweet b**** told me that negative energy is what i've been emitting too much lately... which i guess is quite true... and its impact is spreading to people around... and of course myself too... don't like it...

so... trying to build that chirpiness once again... many people used to comment that... i look very happy... positive... blah blah blah... till a point... i just start to feel... that how happy you look or behave doesn't always tally with true emotions within each of our hearts... i still believe it to be so... but feeling negative sometimes can be addictive... so... time for me to snap out of it... it's like... smiling before you say "hello"on the phone can be heard through your voice =) and a smile is always therapeutic to one's mind and soul... and probably to those around as well...

anyway... i'm beginning a new chapter of my life soon enough... my 1st lesson is at 2pm today... wish me blessings to achieve the best out of my school journey in the next year plus... by the end of it... besides results, i wish that the process will continue to mould and sharpen who i am as a person... =)

love, mel

我真的受伤了

2006-07-16T10:16:00.000+08:00

灯光也暗了音乐低声了

口中的棉花糖也融化了

窗外阴天了人是无聊了

我的心开始想你了

电话响起了你要说话了

还以为你心里对我又想念了

怎么你声音变得冷淡了

是你变了是你变了

灯光熄灭了音乐静止了

滴下的眼泪已停不住了

天下起雨了人是不快乐

我的心真的受伤了

definition of "terrible" times

2006-07-15T01:05:00.000+08:00

"... People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, non lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God - having a form of Godliness but denying its power..."

2 Timothy 3:2-5'

these verses were covered during this evenings homecell... sounds really scary to me... just a brief info for you... this refers to the terrible times... times of Godlessness in the last days... which are more horrifying than times where Christians faced persecution... physical abuse... threats and so forth...

going through the comfort we live in today... complacent of the goodness we enjoy... when we went through this passage... felt like a some baseball bat hitting me... it's appalling.. worrying and scary...

read it over a few times... seconds of flashback and reflections simply highlighted how many of these describe who i am now or could be becoming... i dunno how you would see it... maybe... you may feel i'm just thinking too much... but it occurs to me... that the power of perceived reality has such a strong suction over me...

human emotions... are like the strongest weapons that we have... but are also our weakest defense... emotions can be lethal... for you to think about...

i know... of the people reading my blog... not all may be believers yet... or perhaps even believing but in denial... but i do know... most would have heard of God... obviously... i've never been one who walks up to any of you to say "hey, can i share the word of God with you?" just hmm... not my way i guess... but... looking deeper... i ought to be doing more if i love you people so much... well... my opinion... (i.e. not taught by any church friends or leaders...) the things that the bible records, teaches... and prophecies it talks about... Christian or not... you will have a mind to decide if you agree... the values it imparts... are so true and applicable to life... and to the lives we live today... it just feels so real... in moments... when i feel so numbed by issues i face... the word, can be such a powerful trigger that tells me not to fall into the boobie trap laid there... all it takes is a moment of distraction... and i would be sinking deeper into more traps laid down... hungrily waiting for me to put my foot in... i do hope that the word can equip you with strength and fill you with peace as much or even more than it is providing for me... so if you do have a bible lying somewhere at home... pick it up to read... even take it as a bed time story book... or a nothing-better-to-do-then-read book... you never know how the wonders of God can move in your lives... you don't have to update or tell me if it made any difference to your life now or in the future... it's just an open suggestion... that i feel will benefit you somehow... you may even want to take out the element of religion to read it... how you start... really may not determine how you'd finish...

it wasn't a fantastic week for me... but it is almost over anyway... so well... time to pick myself up and move on... will not be an easy time ahead... but... will pray for guidance, wisdom, patience and perserverance...

may God bless you and everyone... and may we all be strenghthened in our spirits and our soul...

with love, mel

...

2006-07-13T23:05:00.000+08:00

ok well... time to take out anger from this blog once more...
(have deleted the content once again...)

though i do not deny... i still bear some of it inside me...

but... i'm trying ok... some time should work it out...

if you're worried or concerned... just pray for me...

i will be fine...

last night... somebody msn-ed me... saying i'm a strong gal...

i don't know if i really am... but i'm definately finding my way to be one...

thankz lovely ones =)

pms inspired.. dumb but true!

2006-07-11T18:18:00.000+08:00

it seems even silly to write about this.. but i just had to...

you see ah.. it's like irritating and troublesome.. sometimes.. even messy enough that women have to bleed every that time of the month..

but the multiplier effect.. is the definately undesired "perks" it comes with...

all the possible irritable things you can think of.. not expecting which exact day.. losing sleep.. cramps.. pains and aches in weird places.. even bad runny nose.. tiredness... and worst of all.. silly and cranky moods that very often are not very controllable.. say and do silly stuff.. cry over the tiniest silly bits of life.. goodness... there seriously should be some reason why women have to go through this kinda silly s*** that we're not having a say in... darn.. i would even say.. it brings about a regular cycle of monthly depression!! argh!!

人生的悲哀与无奈

2006-07-11T01:58:00.000+08:00

人心似乎会随着成长渐渐的麻木...

人，不再渴望，因为慢慢的好像发觉渴望尽然是一种奢望...

抱有太大的希望，一旦落空，
最终得到的是一片荒凉、空白、无奈的心痛...

失望是人生麻木的强行针...

这一支强行针是不是人生成长必需的有效麻药？
对人，对事，对情似乎都如此...

这或许就是人生...

看似乐观，深入一点的看清，
乐观中遮掩着的悲观更加强烈...

因为悲观永远是带给失望最有效的解放，
让人可以更容易得接受失望...

~麟~

dropping by..

2006-07-10T00:18:00.000+08:00

hmm last night came home really late.. was actually very tired.. but my spirits were on cloud nine.. somehow.. late as it was.. i took quite a long time to fall asleep.. longer than usual at least..

today.. weather was so nice and comfy.. would have been great to like sleep in the whole day =D but.. no lah.. shopped for little megan's birthday pressie and went to granny's place for her 1st birthday's celebration.. soooooo cute.. this is her, but taken some months back =p

home am i now.. actually the tiredness from last night is like wearing in.. *yawnz* watching this very saddistic show on home abuse.. quite psychotic.. sick.. and inhuman.. sigh.. part of world is really super grey.. it's actually based on true stories.. sigh.. sad.. sad..

k lah.. good night and sweet dreamz to all.. except for those.. sleeping in the morning.. tonight finals right?? hee.. seriously.. i wouldn't know if my mum didn't say so.. =D

trying not to put my picture.. but want to lah.. hee..

2006-07-08T02:43:00.000+08:00

heehee.. ok.. it would be typical of me to put my picture in my own blog.. especially.. it's me you're talking about..

honestly.. i didn't know how to get it done.. but again.. i didn't really try to find out.. because.. thought this would be a space strictly for expression in words..

i finally did find out how to.. but still didn't quite wanna display my photo here.. so just this one.. hee.. =) taken during an evening with a bunch of people dear to me..

present shopping

2006-07-08T01:07:00.000+08:00

what a month july is.. can almost fill my ten fingers when counting how many pressies i need to get.. i'm only 3 down... man.. $ is one thing.. but.. whoa.. my brains are quite fried just to think about the ideas of what to get.. geez..

went shopping at tampines.. again, i was late.. so had to take cab.. i don't mean to laugh at this guy k.. but i was staring into space.. when i saw this young chap approaching the road divider when he finished crossing the road.. then.. he stepped on it with one foot.. and he almost lost balance.. hee.. i smiled to myself.. not to laugh at him.. but i'm simply reminded of a typically my kinda clumsiness.. then.. the lagi classic moment.. he regained balance.. but bent down to pick up his slipper that fell on the road.. hee.. it's like so my kinda moment you know!! happened to me too many times i can't even count!! even had someone pick up my shoe stick at the lift before!! embarassing..

well.. another classic... when choosing and selecting the ideal gift.. and scrutinizing to make sure it's the closest to flawless piece we got... i saw this white thread.. then.. thought.. remove it.. then... wahahahaha.. the trail of white thread is like so long.. i thought the embroidery was gonna fall off!!! hahaha.. but ok lah.. i didn't spoil it fortunately.. hee...

hmmm.. enough for now.. feeling sleepy tonight.. so shall be turning in... got a 10 yr old gal's birthday party to attend.. how fortunate children are huh?

sweet dreamz..

too much sleep? hee

2006-07-05T05:08:00.000+08:00

hee.. alright.. had a good rest... woke up in the afternoon today.. end up spending the afternoon on msn.. seriously, i too wonder how come i have so much to chat.. geeez...

had my first meal at 4 plus when my mum came back with chicken rice.. i know.. she's a happy mama when i'm home.. can see the glee in her face.. =) came back to the pc... chat a little.. and then drove out for mum to pack her dinner.. came back.. stoned awhile.. and.. erm.. fell asleep.. heehee.. i know it sounds irritating if you're a working adult.. but yah.. i'm enjoying this lifestyle tho it's like only 1 week i can do this... lazily woke up again at about 10?? downloading pics from a common blog with some friends.. chat a little.. got some nice songs from a sweet dude and downloaded them for mum to her mp3 player.. chat some more.. then went for supper.. erm.. or late dinner...

how nice a day.. not exactly productive.. but therapeutic for the human mind and soul.. simplicity is such a bliss i never could appreaciate it more.. pretty much wide awake at this hour.. not usual for me.. if i was up this late... would only have been hanging out somewhere or rushing some assignment.. decided to come in here to put in this aimless entry... i like this feel.. really.. no load my back.. just peace.. lazily peaceful..

just a thought.. from a conversation i had with a dear friend.. men are from mars.. women are from venus.. pretty true in what the book says i think.. tho i haven't read it.. men and women pretty much think, feel and behave differently.. and some traits within each gender are very prominent.. i really understand that there are difference between the genders... but.. somehow.. relationships are human issues.. really... emotional stuff... i wonder if learning these differences.. are hmmm useful for everyone.. you see.. if it's learnt and understood.. rightfully i thought it would help each other be more understanding.. or even empathetic towards each other.. but again.. because of the difference.. it's like.. reaction to the reading differs... for example, men says: no you don't understand, and you won't because we perceive it differently.. then women would say: i know it's different... that's why.. i'm explaining.. well dunno how to explain my point.. prob it's a so called woman thing? hee.. really don't know.. somehow.. i do however believe that every woman has her guy-ish characteristics... and man alike, have their womanly traits.. we're afterall human.. some needs and desires are still common.. vanity, attention, love, care, assurance, company... even the most ego guy would need these.. or no?? to be heard, to be understood, to make choices, express views and make decisions or take the lead.. different women shows such in different areas don't they? i prefer to believe that there are some skills that men are better at.. and ladies have a different forte.. and the generalisation is simply based on majority.. honestly, all our values or even behaviours are largely socially constructed aren't they? the way we learn, what we're exposed to as the norm very much shapes certain things in our minds... just a thought.. taking the content of book.. and applying it on a different society.. does it necessarily apply? perhaps it does in variable ways.. well my opinion has no grounds since i haven't even read the cover! but i do feel that men and women characteristics can differ according to cultures as well...

k.. this is quite enough i guess.. i really should turn in.. less i wait for sunrise in couple of hours time.. sweet dreamz and God bless all =)

~ mel ~

growing old with you..

2006-07-05T02:49:00.000+08:00

I wanna make you smile whenever you’re sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you

I’ll get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks, oh
It could be so nice growing old with you

I’ll miss you, kiss you
Give you my coat when you’re cold
Need you, feed you
Even let you hold the remote control

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed when you had too much to drink
Oh I could be the man who grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you

just wanted to write

2006-07-04T00:41:00.000+08:00

hmm got the urge to write.. well.. my language isn't really powerful.. but my blog.. who cares.. just felt like writing.. alot of thoughts over the weekend..

for the past 2 months or so.. had been so much fun and enjoyment.. i'm like so addicted to it.. sheesh.. feels even odd not to see you people for a day now.. but i guess.. time to pack up some wilful playful thoughts to get things back in tune.. ok.. you guys were splendid.. yes you were.. chilling out.. fun, crap and games.. behaving like tourists.. taking the boat ride.. and taking a thousand pictures.. hee... how not to love all of you.. heehee.. ever looking forward to each gathering.. wahahahahahahahaha..

saturday was wonderful.. thankz lady.. you really spoke sense into me.. somehow you did.. and and hey guy.. thanks for the chat over msn.. felt like tight slaps right onto my face.. but.. was really effective =) appreciate you for that too.. much as you people may not even read this.. but never mind.. heehee.. some things.. too mushy to say.. so let me let it all out here ;)

weekend had been nice though lazy.. superman was gorgeous!! wahahahaha.. my typically much-doubted stuffy nose got pretty bad.. so my bed was like my bestest friend.. and slept in most of sunday before heading to joe's for dinner..

but.. hmm.. today ah.. wrapped my last day with this company.. the crappiest resignation period ever.. i really dun wanna continue b****ing about it.. but well.. i kinda got my way.. and today's my last day.. i seriously never heard of a lamer reason than this.. "1 week notice excludes weekends" well.. anyway.. i'm outta the company.. hated to display my b****y traits.. but unfortunately i was forced to demonstrate them ever wilfully.. but hey.. i meant it when i said.. take care and God bless k.. i still believe in harmony yah..

hmm.. actually i do have something else to say here.. but.. dunno how.. sigh.. never mind.. leave it to be brought with me to my dreamz when i sleep...

hugz for you..

~mel~

my heart cries for you..

2006-07-03T16:13:00.000+08:00

just over the past week and today.. i found some very dear people around me with hearts unhealed.. and a little broken..

it pains me.. because i really wish i could do more for you.. who stood by me when i needed you.. sat by my side when i needed the quietness... listened to me rattle my wilfulness away... and opened your arms when i needed a hug... but i also understand that many instances.. it is beyond me...

i just pray that you would be strong and time can do its job more quickly then it usually does.. to ease your pain and heal the hurt..

love, mel

loving people..

2006-06-22T10:06:00.000+08:00

when you're down and out.. feeling like crap.. dear friends can really ease the pain..

thank you for spending the time with me.. you're wonderful darling sweet angels..

it's really not simply about what you say.. but it's also the effort to call.. the way you listened.. the time you gave.. the effort you made.. the gesture you did.. the hug you gave..

thankz for being with me..

love you all..

~ mel ~

feeling worse than crap!

2006-06-19T11:28:00.000+08:00

ok.. content deleted..

well.. did have a bad monday.. but to be fair.. the entry that was up (if any has read it) it's really just an outpour of agitated and overly worked up emotions.. im fine and things are moving..

thankz for your love people! =)

叶子

2006-06-16T13:07:00.000+08:00

Another nice song I've got here.. sadly real and depressing lyrics tho.. recommended by a friend.. have heard it some time back.. but only got down to read the lyrics recently.. it's like.. so real in a world of emptiness...

叶子，是不会飞翔的翅膀。翅膀，是落在天上的叶子。
天堂，原来应该不是妄想。只是我早已经遗忘，当初怎么开始飞翔。

孤单，是一个人的狂欢。狂欢，是一群人的孤单。
爱情，原来的开始是陪伴。但我也渐渐地遗忘，当时是怎样有人陪伴。

我一个人吃饭、旅行、到处走走停停。
也一个人看书、写信、自己对话谈心。
只是心又飘到了哪里，就连自己看也看不清。我想我不仅仅是失去你。

a little contentment

2006-06-14T15:15:00.000+08:00

hey.. guess not been updating this place for awhile...

well.. not too much of happenings.. my new job well.. i did find some nice people around lah.. hee.. but well.. as most know.. my minds on the option of full time studies.. so till further updates on this..

just came back from church camp last week.. somehow.. i was searching for some kinda spiritual revival thingee before the camp.. and hesitated pretty long about whether to go ahead with it initially.. when i decided to go ahead.. was also seeking a time of solitude... well.. i guess i got a bit of everything..

"mentoring" is becoming such a big word in my head now.. what are we going to leave behind when we leave this world.. ok.. stop thinking i'm some silly young person who thinks my end is near.. truth is.. you never know.. and what's on the script of our lives if there was one.. and beside going home to God.. what "parts" of us are going to live in the worldly realm we left behind... really hope i can be of help to some people around me... k.. i might sound a 'lil ku-ku lah.. but it's like.. think about it.. our lives.. we have mentors everywhere.. people like parents.. teachers.. bosses.. then we also have peer mentors like friends whom we're learning from each others' lives.. and.. eventually.. our children.. maybe younger siblings, nephews and nieces we may hope to give good advise to.. it's like.. if our little puny life can make a difference to those around us.. how good a deed it is.. no doubt the church camp took me to a trip on deeper understanding of mentoring in Christian living.. i must say it really applies to life too..

hmmm... that'z all for now..

really sweet people..

2006-05-28T03:05:00.000+08:00

hey.. this is dedicated to a bunch of nice people..

today had been so nice.. really.. tho it wasn't a 100% surprise as intended.. the whole outing to sentosa was fun.. to begin with.. hmm i dun usually have such fun often.. heehee.. and 1st time i played the freesbie actually (is that how you spell it?) hahaha.. and nua-ing at the hammock.. talking crap.. blading.. everything lah..was so much fun..

all the effort for getting me the cake and gift.. really very very nice of you.. i dun celebrate this occasion with many all these years.. but you guys made a difference this year.. and i really felt soooo.. 幸福.. there's no better word to describe it already..

bali villa.. erm.. or villa bali.. anyway.. watever lah.. nice place you've brought me to.. and thanks for implanting a superb memory on my 24th year of my years living.. hahaha

hugz.. kisses.. erm.. everything.. thankz dudes and dudettes!!

the treasure and the map

2006-05-23T00:13:00.000+08:00

again.. me and my thoughts..

was juz running thru my mind.. when you've got some treasure somewhere.. it's so precious to you then you hid it well.. and had your map to remind and teach you how the find the treasure.. but.. maybe.. just maybe.. you might realise.. there're some focusing errors..

maybe.. you're thinking of protecting the map.. cos you believe anyone who find the map.. will find "your" treasure through your prescribed route.. so you end up thinking of keeping and hiding the map..

then one day.. when you want to retrieve the treasure.. you follow the route in your map.. you reach the famliar place.. where you kept the treasure.. but.. it's gone.. why so??

well.. you're so engrossed by the map.. you didn't realise.. that some other.. could find an alternative route didn't you? by then.. when you finally remembered that it's the treasure that matters.. it had been taken by someone who found it by another route.. your map has become worthless.. no matter how many times you re-walk the same route.. the treasure's long gone..

just got home from movies...

2006-05-19T01:57:00.000+08:00

well well.. hello..

coming to the end of another week.. guess pretty blessed.. despite a tough weekend last week, my company's very generous to 'close shop' tomorrow to let us have the day off.. =)

that explains why i can afford to have just caught MI:3 at this hour.. hmm wasn't too bad a show i guess.. though found it pretty predictable.. the emotional strings attached in the storyline made it that bit nicer than 1 & 2.. at least that's what i think... i tend to feel.. there are some people in our lives.. whom we'd just helplessly assign 'top priority status' ahead of anything else.. k.. that may not be anywhere close to what people look for in this show.. but anyways.. quite liked it lah.. more than i thought i would.. just a pity that i was kinda sleepy and tired.. so became a little strenuous for me.. hee..

k.. nuff for this evening.. time for some good rest..

chipmunk..

2006-05-14T23:52:00.000+08:00

heehee.. my new colleagues said everyone looks like some animal... and.. me.. i am supposed to look like a chipmunk!! hahahahahaha!!! hey.. but check this out.. http://www.cuteducky.com/cute_animal_quiz.html

well well.. had a long long weekend ah.. friday evening went for this sec school gathering.. aiyah.. fun lah.. cos 1st time.. out in this kinda setting with my bro.. hahaha.. and everyone else.. hmm i'm happy lor.. =D tho the logic of drinking games were always crappy.. somehow.. they are always played so seriously and actually become challenging for some.. wahahahahahahaaha.. then we realise some people cannot count very well... hahaha.. and some people just have super good luck... or otherwise.. hahaha.. k lah.. i'm like crapping away.. anyway.. fun lah.. i had a good time =)

but come saturday and sunday.. super siong lor.. talking for hours endlessly for the comapny's roadshow.. whoa.. totally dehydrated boy.. drowning myself with bottles of water.. phew.... and now feel like might be losing my voice.. =( hopefully not bah.. i'll get some salt water after i end off this entry..

that's all for now.. adios!

a little sleepy..

2006-05-12T02:29:00.000+08:00

waiting for a file to transfer.. like taking longer than ever... *yawnz*

but kai, thankz yah! =)

along parellel paths..

2006-05-08T21:08:00.000+08:00

definition of a relationship.. i dunno.. these are sudden thoughts.. can someone just stop me from being distracted by silly thoughts.. hee..

gal is along path A.. boy on path B.. they see each other from across from afar.. then they look North and see point C.. they know they want to be there.. so.. they continue walking.. they are moving closer.. and closer.. the happy ever after ending.. at point C.. they meet.. so sweet.. they drew an inverted letter 'v' with their story.. how nice..

scenario 2.. still gal is along path A.. boy on path B.. they see each other from across from afar.. then they look North and see point C.. they know they want to be there.. so.. they continue walking.. then some bright light shone on them from the back.. one turns around, and realises South.. he looks at gal and thinks.. what do i want.. are we really heading the same way.. he.. thinks.. perhaps not.. so.. he reverses his steps and walks away.. ouch..

scenario 3.. same, again.. still gal is along path A.. boy on path B.. they see each other from across from afar.. then they look North and see point C.. so.. they continue walking.. this time.. the light shone again.. none looked back.. they continued walking.. and reached North.. but did not meet.. wonder why.. they looked back.. at the footprints.. they didn't see the forming of the inverted 'v' anymore.. instead they saw.. 2 parellel lines.. they reached North.. but were not at point C..

think i dun have to explain further right.. hmm.. improvised this from something learnt from elsewhere.. if this is a reminder or encouragement to any.. it'd be my joy that it is helpful.. but if it rings an alarm.. it calls for some attention to perhaps rethink about the routes you've chosen..

love, mel

one of my worst habits

2006-05-08T13:49:00.000+08:00

there aren't exactly very major issues now.. beside my assignments that are due at 7.30 this evening..

but.. like just restless.. with everything.. hmm prob it's juz another transition.. to my new job... somehow.. i hold some reservations to the environment.. you know.. the gut feel kinda thing... sigh.. but k lah.. i prayed liao lah.. i'll make the best out of it bah..

anyway.. my assignments ah.. really.. i can never forgive myself for this habit.. like.. motivated by pressure.. what kinda shit mindset to have that i always take my own sweet time along the way when i know i'll be darn stressed on the last day.. tying up extremely loose ends..

i'm really looking for trouble!!!

a strengthened heart vs a hardened heart

2006-05-06T20:47:00.000+08:00

you know.. sometimes.. issues in life.. can really devour our life little by little.. without ourselves realising it.. this is for joe.. and some other people i care for.. i mean.. for everyone lah.. but dedicated to them cos i know they are facing or have faced difficult trials along their paths..

lately.. i'm discovering that i actually try very hard to be a happy person.. let me tell you.. it's a challenge.. the obvious fact is there are too many unwanted things happening around us.. and we'll never seem to be ready enough when surprises hit us..

some people.. they get numb, immuned.. after the pain.. the world or certain issues seem hopeless.. cos we lose our way, and lose the faith in hope.. these people seem strong.. maybe they can move on.. i don't know.. but this is what i mean by hardened hearts.. when people feel painful enough.. they'll simply give up emotionally, and mentally.. but they are not always conscious.. they grow to reject ideas of hope.. like ''aiyah.. that's life anyway.. wat can i do?" but if there's a chance of walking deeper into these people's hearts.. it'll simply reveal how much the pain was to have caused this..

some others.. are a little more blessed.. not because they are lucky.. but somehow.. they believed and understood.. that everybody goes through pain.. (ok.. i know some others really very good life lah.. smooth sailing.. but life is unpredictable lah.. so.. don't waste time wishing we were them.. cos we are not) well.. point is.. when some get hurt or fall.. it's so painful.. but they learn to resist it.. and not let themselves be tormented.. not that they don't feel the pain.. but they make the pain worthwhile.. instead of being overpowered by the crap.. they stand up against it.. and not refuse to surrender to it.. these people are strengthened.. they were not beaten.. but they learnt to deal with the heartbreak..

sometimes i reflect on my life.. it's like quite a fine line between the 2.. occaasionally, i get confused too.. but.. i guess the best way.. in my opinion.. in my context.. to overcome pain and fear.. is to confront them.. the logic is simple.. like a fight between 2, if one decides to keep retreating and dodging or crouching down.. the other simply gets the chance to overpower even more.. forcing the opponent to retreat further away.. but if, instead he fought upright, upfront.. the other would not have chance to keep invading endlessly.. k.. sounds a bit crappy.. dunno how to explain.. but.. it's real.. go watch some tournament.. hahaha.. you'll know wat i mean..

so well.. it's a choice.. to swallow and suffer in the repercussions of the pain.. or to face it bravely.. the pain was already caused.. fact of life.. a memory, yes.. and a painful one.. so why not let it be more useful to your life instead of instilling further damage to yoursleves.. use it a a tool to be stronger for the next battle! =)

if there's somewhere you need to source for strength, my recommendation is.. the unfailing God! you'll be amazed really by what he can do in your lives.. but you need to take the step forward lah.. can't just sit and wait for some miracle like God tosuddenly touch you and tell you, you're healed.. you need actions too.. God will always do the rest to help.. but the preceding statement is the term applicable.. that is.. to do your part =)

God bless! here's a hug of hope and love to anyone reading this..

love, mel

press on!

2006-05-04T02:30:00.000+08:00

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.”.

James 1:2-8

happy.. started a diary

2006-05-02T14:50:00.000+08:00

hee.. i'm still in a happy mood.. still like erm.. fascinated by the interested week i didn't expect..

spurred me to start a diary.. i never really kept one since it always seemed to fail.. but this time.. quite confident it would work.. cos every entry i write it to God.. hmm you know like "Dear God, ..." i think it is effective leh.. and it helps me to be consistent in prayer too.. as I write.. feel like I'm telling God about my day.. the people I met.. who I wish I could be more of a blessing to and all my crappy thoughts.. good and bad stuff.. hee.. like my dialogue with God.. ok lah... maybe monologue.. hahahaha.. but i know He's listening and reading it.. =)

anyway.. hmm so much for the unwinding week.. still have a fair bit to do for my final assignments.. and starting on my new job tomorrow.. dun really know wat to expect.. but.. hmm leave it to God..

love always.. mel

nice song..

2006-05-01T01:14:00.000+08:00

it's quite applicable to life i guess? to me at least.. ;) this is just the 2nd part tho

把从前想了一遍，谢谢了，伤我的人
想做乐观的人，每种雨声，听了都不冷

我并不是天生爱寂寞，却比任何人都多
就算把世界给我，我还是一无所有

我要快乐，我要能睡得稳
有些人，不抱了才温暖
离开了才不恨... 我早应该割拾
我要快乐，哪怕笑得再大声
心不是热的，全都是假的
只有眼泪是真的（我的决定是对的）

nostalgic.. nice..

2006-04-30T15:28:00.000+08:00

hey =)

had been a wonderful week.. really.. things seem to be very timely.. was clearing leave and all..

it's amazing how life workz out sometimes.. have been having little sleep cos of late nights this week, catching up with some people i've neva spoken to for ages.. or.. even.. some i've known of their existence for ages but neva spoke.. the only kuku thing that happened was last night we went bowling.. i mean.. geez.. anyone who knows me long enough would know that.. hmm i used to be able to only hit a few pins and kena the drain through the rest of the game.. hahaha.. well.. anyway.. only for leisure and fun of it.. hahaha..

not the point lah.. i'm just.. glad lah.. happy with this week.. really.. lovely people...

think my life is simply so blessed.. thank God for keeping nice people in my life! hee..

to a very nice lady: yesterday was really wonderful because of you.. i was actually crying when i told you the stuff.. it's like after so many years.. it's probably the only time i reanacted the whole incident through my mind calmly.. i thought i forgot most of it.. but.. guess i neva did afterall.. hee.. thankz for juz bothering to listen.. but the crying was good.. cos my mind was rather refreshed.. and i do see myself holding on to the very sweet memories and really letting go of the crappy parts.. thankz lady!

love all of ya!!
mel =)

sky above the trees

2006-04-24T23:14:00.000+08:00

hello!

was waiting for joe to pick me up for supper earlier.. i was waiting at the pavement.. enjoying the cooling breeze.. my mind was idle and i lazily stood there.. then i looked up..

i found myself standing under a tree and the leaves were sheltering me.. they kind of darkened the evening sky even more.. i juz stared longer.. then began to observe.. putting my vision slightly farther, i saw the skies..

some thoughts ran through my mind.. it's like life, attitude towards life.. many times, we are locked up in our little situations, that seem to be difficult and cramp us into a tough spot.. then we just keep looking around for some sort of space to breath, but never seem to be able to do so.. but if we take a step up, cool down and think again, we might realise that we neglected the nice blue sky blocked by the leaves although we always knew that the sky was there..

hmmm am i making sense.. i don't know how to put in a good example for you to relate to, but.. hmm.. maybe you go stand under the tree and see if you feel the same way... hahaha..

grudges?

2006-04-19T13:44:00.000+08:00

hey there.. i know my mind should still be on my unfinished assignment.. but well.. can't help it..

i had a friend.. and i did treat her with a true heart.. i dunno what happened.. but she did something.. that i obviously felt betrayed.. and to some point insulted.. i was angry.. and it was painful.. but well.. it was in the long past.. though we dun talk.. it's nice to know that she's well..

some time ago.. i heard from a friend's friend about her.. well.. initially was funny.. i mean.. small world.. but i found it amusing when i heard that she said stuff about me.. a 'lil disturbed since i dunno the agenda of speaking ill.. but.. never mind.. what's past is past..

but recently, i heard again.. the same thing.. i really can't rationalize what's in her mind.. we're way outta each others' lives aren't we? almost 8 years since wat happened.. why can't she just let go.. speaking ill.. pardon me.. isn't simply gossip.. it's such a shallow behaviour.. (ok.. i'm getting agitated here) and in fact weird in this context, since it's totally based on unfound grounds.. and my.. going on for the longest time..

i don't know.. one of the ultimate characters who ever came into my life.. and never left it i guess.. sheeesh.. rather she didn't let me leave hers.. i know it's silly to be even the least bit affected.. but.. anyway.. i'm human with emotions..

if you (her lah) do read this blog ever.. you know what i'm saying.. i'll still say, take care, and God bless you.. and i truly pray that you learn to be real.. take off that armour that you've been putting on for far too long.. it is affecting your vision instead of shielding you.. in fact i feel it's paralysing you and hindering you from seeing the love* in life that you've been seeking..

* i don't mean love as in guy-gal love (knowing you, i've to explain) i really mean the genuine love in life..

mars

2006-04-11T12:20:00.000+08:00

hello people..

despite having a weekend of very little sleep.. my mind seemed to have went through ecstasy.. hmm.. not very sure if it was the right word to use.. but anyway.. for a light start... i kena sabo-ed during our company's dnd!!! by the "ham sup" mc.. spell "madagascar" with my butt on stage (by the way, this is like a forfit in primary school games lor).. my.. what a farewell impression to leave for my colleagues.. hahaha.. but well.. did enjoy the evening anyway.. adios colleagues!

a very good friend lent me this taiwanese drama vcd to watch.. before i continue.. i agree it's one of those F4 member's thingee that many would think is simply silly naive and lame.. blah blah blah.. anyway, it's called <战神> or Mars.. as i watched it.. it brought me to a very different perspective.. a way deeper one... i don't think it's on sale anymore since it's quite old.. basically it's about this guy who has a history of being mentally ill and this gal who was raped by her stepdad.. the story tells of how they walked out of darkness and "made it" lah.. really really liked it.. it is more meanful than any gal and guy falls in love.. blah blah.. happily ever after.. nothing of that sort..

know what.. i used to be seen as (probably still is) this gal who's naively emotional with drama serials and all.. but after watching this one.. i kind of learnt something new about myself.. at a point where i almost agreed that believing in these "airy-fairy" stuff is unreal and impossible.. i realised this is simply the part of me that keeps me moving forward.. many people always ask, why and how do i keep smiling, i used to say that it's a matter of choice to face life with a positive attitude and realise that nobody owes us a living.. but just this very weekend.. it feels like.. that's not all.. it's a huge part because of these so called "airy-fairy" things that i believe in.. truly and sincerely.. we are human beings sharing a space in this world.. and it's all these emotionally intriguing shows i watch.. that remind me, that the fundamentals of life and love is so straightforward and simple.. but we always let the most ridiculous challenges hold us back and snatch us away from what we actually are as a person.. i dunno how this sound to you reading it.. but my smile is a gift from God.. as long as i continue to believe in Him, His love, and the love in life.. no one. not anybody can take away this seemingly naive but very real thing in life i hold on to, i will continue to keep this smile through the happiest moments and darkest hours.. and pray that it will be a blessing to all of you too..

i truly understand and believe : 黑暗最巨大的敌人，叫做 ---- 爱.

so to all those who are going through low seasons in life, those who may be depressed, feeling helpless or even hopeless.. just like to encourage you.. don't even have the thought that i had an easy stride because you see me smiling.. there are loads more in life everyone goes through than what you see.. but even then.. a true smile demonstrates genuine joy even through tough encounters in life.. what it takes, is courage, faith, and trust in love.. if you'd like to borrow the dvd, i've got it.. just let me know.. would be most ready to share it with you!

to terence, thank you for the wonderful worship you led on sunday.. the Lord's presence was so strong.. tremendously powerful.. actually it's the 1st time i'm leading in dance in worship.. i dunno how to phrase myself.. but everything fell so nicely into place.. the emotions i went through.. the ladies dancing, the entire worship team.. and you, the worship leader.. the cry out to God was so real.. and.. i just dunno how to describe this.. press on.. God's hearing us.. I know that.. I'm you do too ;)

a long time

2006-04-06T17:24:00.000+08:00

hey.. been missing for awhile.. been rather busy lately.. clearing my assignments.. finally can get a short break before the next 2 due on 19 April..

i've been thinking.. but my thoughts are messy.. can't explain it.. my mind seems stifled.. so much i wanna do.. but everything seems tough..

i've tendered my resignation on friday last week.. and i'm now serving my notice period before i'm off and away from this place.. hee.. but honestly.. i'm not all that happy about this whole thing.. i look forard to moving on to a new job.. still, can't help but think about the familiarity of this place.. i mean.. 2 years isn't a very long period but definately significant enough to miss this place.. so used to the space here.. you know what i mean.. i see people i know when i walk around.. know where to go skive.. oops.. haha.. it's one place where i sweat my arse out for work.. had fun, went through some struggles.. aiyah.. dunno lah.. i simply grew attached to this place subconsciously..

off i'm moving on to a new.. not just new.. but different environment.. it's much smaller.. within an office space.. (not like the 2 terminals i walk around in the public and transit areas) less people.. and i'm pretty sure it's gonna be competitive there too.. but i do trust and belief that God has something planned for me.. from the way He led me to the job, i know God planned this route for me.. I haven't understood why, but i'm certain He led the way.. so i'm keeping faith in this journey ;)

that's for my work.. and.. hmm.. over last 2 weeks, met up with our capoeira group people.. one was our mestre's birthday, and the other a wedding chalet.. was good time catching up with bits here and there from everyone.. i miss those times ah.. well well.. we had a roda at the chalet.. (a capoeira game) cool, good fun.. but whoa.. i cannot make it sia... kena tripped and fell.. well, it pays off to practice and shows if you've not been training.. you know.. the mind sees the attack coming.. but pysically, the limbs are lagging!! haha.. brincadeira.. (joke in portugues) well.. but liked it.. see how things goes.. maybe.. i'll be back someday?? hahaha..

and yah.. got a sudden thought reflecting on a seminar i attended.. on relationships and choosing life partners.. this particular part of it hit me pretty deep.. it's about soul-ties bound by past relationships.. or even sexual relationships.. thought the message on this was pretty powerful.. you see.. basically it says that a dating couple should not cross boundaries of sexual bonding for a fundamental simple reason.. that is.. dating does not come with responsibilities of a marriage.. and therefore should not come with the same privileges as well.. i dunno why i suddenly thought about this but just wanna put it down here.. if someone needs to talk about it.. please call me.. i'll be glad to hear you out.. the part about "soul-ties" that if any have committed pre-marital sex or even adultry.. blah blah blah.. you would have been bounded by "soul-ties" that "contaminates" and binds your life.. it's not about just emotional or physical ties.. it's a sin that binds you.. but God, is ever forgiving.. that "if we confess our sins, God is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness" 1John 1:9. But God forgives with conditions.. you must always remember, it's if you confess sins with truthfulness and repentance.. then God is able to break us free from these soul-ties and gone are the works of the evil one!

that's all for now.. heading to church for worship practice.. 1st time leading dance worship.. i'm not quite confident cos i'm not really familiar with the steps.. seeking God's guidance through this.. so till the next.. God bless all!

luv mel

half a day..

2006-03-21T12:54:00.000+08:00

this is more like a dropping by entry... hmm.. half the day's gone.. but all seemed to move nicely so far..

woken up by the 'dong dong chiang' funeral at our void deck this morning.. hmm was irritated for a couple of seconds before i was back to sleep.. hahaha.. even tho my rest was kinda disturbed by the commotion.. still fell asleep like i heard nothing.. hee.. sleepy heady i am..

got myself outta bed.. greeted by 2 nice msges for a start.. sweet.. got all my books before i left for work.. whoa.. suddenly reminded of school days, was pretty sure my bag weighed more than it did when i was in poly.. well, gotta continue working on my assignment thru my break.. wat to do? sigh..

stepping into office......................... SURPRISE!!!

got a nicely packed breakfast on my desk and a pretty gift welcoming me.. oh.. how much more could i ask for on a mundane work day?? admirer?? nah.. from very sweet people in my office who keeps me going at work ;) thankz!!!

had a meeting.. plus a coffee break filler.. with a bunch of wonderful colleagues.. that's all for this peaceful morning.. and ready for lunch now.. (sound piggy don't i?? hahaha..) till the next! =)

physically tired ah..

2006-03-19T22:03:00.000+08:00

not put in any entry since wed.. hahaha.. as expected.. starting to go out of action liao..

had been a really loooooonnnggg weekend..

volunteered myself as a 'tour guide' for the budget terminal tour on thurs and fri.. heard of it? well.. seriously.. no joke boy.. talking the whole day.. by end of each day i finished an average of 12 bottles of mineral water ah.. eh.. wrong.. it's neWater.. heehee.. but wah.. siong.. initially was to be conducted in english.. but after trying initially.. found the aunties and uncles giving me the 'huh' look.. hahahaha... bo bianz.. gotta use mandarin.. was a challenge sia.. my mandarin vocab seemed to have taken cover.. cannot find what words to use.. the lagi siong thing.. is on both days i had lessons.. wah... literally dozing off... imagine 2 days in a row.. was so afraid that i'd lose my voice.. tho i enjoy talking.. but talk the entire day leh!! sayang my throat..

then ah, actually think my boss super unhappy.. hee.. cos i threw aside 'my own work' hee =p but the tour is our director's initiative mah.. muz support right.. heehee.. well.. seriously tho tired.. i did have fun and really enjoyed myself ;)

attended the isow seminar on sat.. was full day ah.. another siong day.. but this time was a whole different thing.. i mean workshops and seminars for school and work.. pretty normal.. 1st time attending a workshop for serving Christ! basically it's on worship teams.. tho not directly relavant in the dance ministry.. but was a good one.. the worship was good and the whole workshop had lotsa interaction.. and there was this young gal with a beautiful voice!! when she sang.. i really kenna stunned boy! well, nonsense aside.. it's one of those 'you can feel God's presence' atmosphere.. so yah.. was good.. i thought i'd be again on the verge of dozing off.. but hahaha.. was pretty wide awake thru out! thank God for keeping my attention for Him =)

and today.. hmm service.. dance.. and captain's ball again!!! hee.. was fun ah.. hmm today's dance abit like screwed up leh.. but neva mind.. working for the better next service ;)

hmm the sermon content was pretty real in our lives.. 'tongues can kill' is really a very impt lesson and note to remember.. applies even more for people like me who likes to talk so much ah.. as the chinese saying goes.. 'talk more.. wrong more' sigh, will work on it bah..

captain's ball.. hahahahaha.. aiyoh.. this week ah.. like keep missing the ball.. thankz to those who advised me.. 'muz aim then jump'.. hahahaha.. i blur blur jump.. machiam style.. then keep missing.. cannot make it sia.. hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

k lah.. nuff liao.. muz prep on my assignment.. due on wed but i haven't even completed my reading yet.. and next whole week's lined up, whoaahh.. neva mind.. i will jia you!!

nice relaxing day.. but..

2006-03-15T19:33:00.000+08:00

went for a swim today.. at good old tp.. =) finished a pathetic 8 laps.. pathetic compared against average standards but it's an ACHIEVEMENT for me!! hahahha.. headed home intending to work on my assignment.. hmm looking at my bed... ooh.. just so tempting.. snoozed off for the next couple of hours.. ;p well, had a nice dinner..

found out a sad news.. a friend, or rather, meu camarada ('my comrade' in portugues) passed away in January.. he's a nice guy.. i belief the last i saw him was in may 2005.. remember hearing his stories about working in sg.. and having to travel to china for work.. he's brazillian you see.. i remember his passion for surfing and the good joga we had in capoeira..

it wasn't long after we met in may 2005, that i heard news he was hospitalized for poisoning from excessive alcohol.. he was in china then.. he was in coma and sent back to brasil.. the only comfort is prob that i did meet him before the whole incident..

i neva knew if he was a believer.. but hope that he recieved and accepted Christ, and that he is with our good Lord now..

just a 'lil word of reminder and caution.. daniel (aka sarara) swore by alcohol.. no doubt his capacity for liquor is pretty hmmm huge.. but sometimes it's not about knowing how much you can take.. (you might not know when you think you do..) looking at what i know about his life, perhaps.. there woudn't have been any day he lived without alcohol.. this constant drinking could have become an addiction that he might not even have realised.. so much so, he prob wasn't so aware that the alcohol was eating into his physical health...

to all of ya, young and old.. take good care of yourselves.. i remember there was this part of the bible telling us to hmm look after our bodies and keep it holy.. cos it's the temple of Christ.. something along that line.. i can't recall the verse tho.. anyone?? anyways.. basically we do have the responsibility to take care of this body we have within our means..

nuff for today.. and yupz.. time for my assignments..

driving judgement questioned.. hee.. -

2006-03-14T10:26:00.000+08:00

this a 'lil continuation from the last entry.. well well, fortunate me, i had my mum coming by to pick me up, and i took over the wheels heading home.. but juz as i was trying to maneuver the machine out of the driveway.. there was a "kkkccrrhhh" sound.. man.. i scratched the rim of the front right wheel.. the rim is immaterial to me.. but.. aiyah.. you know.. juz makes u feel sianz.. but ok lah, learn from experience bah.. hee.. but my poor bro surely got upset.. cos he got them changed i think pretty recently and he's one typical guy who lurves his vehicle.. so basically the moment i saw him i confessed.. ;p hahaha.. then he went like "scratch already, wat can i say?" wah.. ouch man..

k lah.. gotta work.. till the next =)

on a monday..

2006-03-14T00:28:00.000+08:00

confession... i, melissa huang.. went to buy to-to today... in principle and practice.. i'm really not for to-to.. but no choice.. my dad asked me to buy for him before he left.. much as i was reluctant.. and tried to avoid it.. had to get it for him.. basically, my bro disvolunteered helping.. mum also not free.. wat to do?? as it is.. things were neva that nice with my dad for a long while.. so.. obliging his occasional requests came like a rare something i could do for him.. sounds like an excuse eh.. =(

well.. was a good evening tho.. went for this youth conference thingee.. ignite.. is that it?? i didn't even get the name right.. hee.. pardon me.. in-prompt-to lah.. hee.. but was a good fruitful time spent.. thank God for bringing me there ;)

know wat.. i really really like the song Amazing.. cos God's really so so so very amazing in infinite ways.. thru His wonders and His grace, His goodness and His praise, His sweetness and His all.. everytime i feel seek and feel His presence, the words just come to my head..

"You are amazing, forever saving, i'm captured by the power of Your love...
...i stand amazed, captured by Your grace, let me sing Your praise and stand in awe of You"