this time, parting with a physical home, that kept so much of my life, the memories, the people... the laughter, tears, anger, fear, and all the emotions...
i remember avoiding the dogs because they salivated... i remember playing with lanterns as i sat on the sidewalk window ledge as a kid, i remember looking at lassie from the back door through the back gate, i remember smelling the smelly dogs, i remember sleeping over a bedsheet laid on the floor, i remember sharing the sleeping space with my cousins during holidays, i remember sharing the common room with my entire family before we shifted, i remember the noisy air-con, i remember the ceiling the made a funny noise, i remember the steps we set and played along with a rusty railing, i remember the reddish brown carpet as i peeped through the gaps in the steps to see the dining table, i remember the huge red dining table with the old wooden chairs, i remember the beer glasses we used to mix orange juice in, i remember the little green chairs we played with, i remember the heavy sliding gate that was difficult to open, i remember the burnt beige carpet, i remember the green carpet, i remember the green tiles in the balcony, i remember the once white front gate, i remember the huge grey sofa set that used to sit in the living room, i remember hiding my exercise book under the seat so that mum wouldn't see it, i remember doing my homework, i remember the wrapping presents in the room, i remember celebrating so many birthdays there, i remember the flag pole that held the Singapore flag, i remember triangular flags that grandpa put up during national day, i remember tasting beer from grandpa's fingers, i remember the crabs he bought for me because i said i liked it, i remember putting camel cigarettes into grandpa's mouth, i remember the swing that sat facing the door, i remember the Christmas tree every Christmas till 2008, i remember cycling round the foyer, i remember the vinegar fish grandpa cooked that we loved, i remember the fried bak kut grandpa cooked that we loved, i remember the pig's heart grandpa cooked that we loved, i remember the smell of grandpa's pipe, i remember the crystal ashtray grandpa used as a spit bowl, i remember the brown transparent cup grandpa soaked his denches, i remember hearing grandpa clear his throat, i remember grandpa sitting at the foyer as we arrived, i remember grandpa cooking in the kitchen, i remember playing with micromachines that grandpa bought, i remember the birds that could mimic grandpa, i remember lying on his bed on that fateful day... i remember the bowls the spoons, the things we used, i remember the powdery scent in grandma's room, i remember uncle Tham using dry-ice to tease me, i remember playing Monopoly with uncle Tham, i remember uncle and aunties playing mahjong, i remember uncle Tham playing mahjong and cards there, i remember his tall hunched frame and deep load voice and conversations he made with everyone, i remember grandma's braised pork, i remember the hotdogs and eggs she made when we stayed over, i remember her perspiration after the shower and her little towel round her neck, i remember grandma eating at her usual seat, i remember grandma popping over to look at what we were doing or playing with in the rooms, i remember grandma dozing off in the living room, i remember grandma's frown when she didn't like a conversation, i remember grandma and grandpa at different times, standing at the gates to wave us goodbye, i remember just so much.. i'm so sad, i can't let go.... i miss kong kong and por por, i miss uncle Tham... why did all this have to happen.. it is so painful.. the roof that we shared... that holds all these memories... it's goodbye... again... my heart can't take this very much longer...................... i'm breaking up... into so many pieces now.... it's so painful... beyond words....... so so painful... help.. God, please ease this pain of mine..... please....
