more thoughts

life is transient.. who knows "what", "who" or "even" when is for certain apart from having an actual moment... only the moment of emotion and experience is real, for what became history could surface as something different, and the future is always untold..

hmmm.. as it is, we can only decide on what we felt best for ourselves, for a situation, or for those we cared for at that precise moment... and that moment of choice, can be that specific to change any moment ahead...

someone put up in her status "only when you put down hatred, then you will be able to move on"

on its own, isn't that such a sad statement to make.. why even introduce hatred... letting go and not be bitter... move on with grace... no such heart for grace maybe... well.. what do we decide to hold on and not let go simply determines what we keep within to make ourselves happier or not... do we blame or look upon ourselves... do we then blame just for some comfort of mistakes that were made... is this an alleviation or would it be delusion simply?

someone once told me i could tell the world what i wanted to world to see... how certain an opinion... everyone is showing and telling the world what they wanted the world to see, no? out of bitterness, to defend, to blame... yet in the quietest moments and deepest nights... why is it so painful to remember to ask why, yet not think why? or perhaps we understand why therefore refuse to think in truth even?

hmmmm... life... surely it teaches us from time to time... how conveniently we can decide to make choices of the mind to help us see what we want to see, read what we want to read to lead the life we wanted to lead anyway...

in a blue moon...

i have been having the thought to blog for awhile, but been avoiding it somehow.. for i think of who may be reading it.. and i fear judgement of some kind.. yet thinking again, doesn't this place belong to me?

i fear the words that i express with, that i may not like what they speak to me.. or speak of myself..

the speed of how things move.. are somewhat interesting.. packing each to the brim... working like i've got so much to do, meeting up with friends till i hardly even rest.. leaving no room for anything at all... and that's for over 2 months now.. i have no idea if this is anyway fulfilling, deluding, or just getting by somehow...

is it with age? or is it about life that made me not remember that these months just ran by me at such speed?

was i once remorseful, guilt-stricken, then awaken to see that this was not all of it? did i just finally see that it wasn't all about how was i not up to it... so many voices speak yet the truth lies only in the hearts don't they... even words we speak hardly express the depths of our thoughts and genuine emotions...

actions are translations of thoughts, intentions, defense, response, denial, desires, resentment, deceit... and so many more, who is to say, which of these do actions represent? there could be so many more emotions beneath the facade of a smile, an opinion, an expression, or a gesture, or not?

many i miss, many i wish i otherwise did, all of whom and which i appreciate... those who trampled taught me strength, those who loved taught me faith, those who believed taught me grace, those who deceived taught me truth, those who shared taught me listening, those who angered taught me fear... those who left taught me how i should stay...

想念是最呼吸的痛

我根本什么都放不下... ...

太阳雨

the showers pour.. drizzle.. as the bright shining sun beams through the rainfall..

a ride so bumpy...

i have no idea how to describe my emotions.. my thoughts... this roller coaster ride doesn't seem to end... the thrill is too much for me to take..

a dose of crying a day seems alright, since there are usually multiple doses of it...

because i have done wrong, i have no rights of reasoning to straighten things out... or to want to resolve a situation.. all that was done, doing, or want to do equates either to doing things the wrong way.. or equates to nothing...

God, if there could be a manual to live life, i'm dreaming to have it now...

sometimes, i seem to catch a glimpse of the sunrise, but the next moment, the clouds hover and the storm just washes everything away in a split second...

is this how life is meant to be? i truly wanted to make things right... but every door i thought i saw opened, slammed in my face when i was about to put my foot in...

i will learn to live my life... my own life... since that's what you want...

indifference

in life, there are numerous ups and downs, and not everybody can embrace it all.. some would let go.. because the stake can be too much fear and pain to bear...

in my life.. i probably lived trying to meet expectations most of the time.. at home, outside.. everywhere... but perhaps.. the underlying me always wanted to do something else, something different, or maybe something wrong... but i never did because abiding rules seemed to be the way of my life...

dreams never pursued, simple things i wanted but never fought for.. eventually, i learnt to exploit the only things i were confident of... i disliked adapting.. because i had to relearn and fit in all over again.. so when familiarity was in my hands, i always gripped on so tightly and i wished nothing would ever change from that moment...

i was always resentful of my life, and the way i led it, yet i couldn't let all of these go as if i couldn't live without it... how empty and sad... how much hunger to seek more, yet the stagnant appetite was always so numb...

what is inferiority? or what is pessimism? what is an "optimistic pessimist" whom i used to call myself? some form of comfort that i am a pessimist but calculate the possible failure so that i can cushion myself when i finally fall?? or should i face myself to say, it's a plain attitude of indifference? how pathetic and empty can a heart be, to feel so much yet feel nothing?

blog time

hmm.. felt like writing something.. where should i start... perhaps some reflections about 2010??

the year kicked off with extreme sadness and depression on my grandma's passing in January.. not forgetting it was barely a month before my uncle's passing in Dec'09.. how more tragic and painful for my family...

soon enough my new job kicked start.... pleasant, challenging, nice colleagues... till some point... disaster had to strike again when my aunt passed in May!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! who could have imagined?? who would have thought???

i recall, one trainer used to say, "life is very transient"... everything's a passing phase, transitions happen all the time... yeah.. and we never know what lies ahead... but the greatest joy i had for the year, would be the bunch of lovely people in my job... who talked crap, did silly stuff.. spoke truth and honesty with each other =) when i moved out of my branch, i recall my boss telling me, "never stay or leave for a friend..." and very clearly, i remember telling him, i totally agree, because, on leaving, those who still remain as friends would be true friends =)

partying can be tiring, can be just some social event... but partying with friends clearly is more than social =) during my emotional roller coster ride, relieving depression through time with you people (if you even read my blog!! hahaha =p) made a difference to me... true friends are probably those who ease your pain with a hug, and put a stop to tears raining from your eyes...

alas... there's one other big change that's still in transition now.. i'm engaged.. whoooaahh.. seriously.. i've always looked forward to settling down.. but somehow, after making such a huge decision... the butterflies in my stomach don't go away.. suddenly, everything is at max speed... our new home's in renovation now... and soon enough, "single" will no longer be my status!!! scary eh... i take reference from friends', cousins' and even marriages in my family, and my own parents... ain't no easy task..... after wondering "is this it?"; "it's really gonna be him?"; then comes "am i really ready?"; "are we ready?"; "will we go wrong?"

hahaha, well, life's hard isn't it, 做人真难.. like work, we make a decision, we move on with it, make it or break it, it's a jigsaw the pieces the portrait of our lives..

nonetheless, through the mountains and valleys of life... i thank God for every detail carved in my life! every single encounter means so much more that they seem... any hurt and every moment of joy.

i love my live and those who left a footprint in it =)