indifference

in life, there are numerous ups and downs, and not everybody can embrace it all.. some would let go.. because the stake can be too much fear and pain to bear...

in my life.. i probably lived trying to meet expectations most of the time.. at home, outside.. everywhere... but perhaps.. the underlying me always wanted to do something else, something different, or maybe something wrong... but i never did because abiding rules seemed to be the way of my life...

dreams never pursued, simple things i wanted but never fought for.. eventually, i learnt to exploit the only things i were confident of... i disliked adapting.. because i had to relearn and fit in all over again.. so when familiarity was in my hands, i always gripped on so tightly and i wished nothing would ever change from that moment...

i was always resentful of my life, and the way i led it, yet i couldn't let all of these go as if i couldn't live without it... how empty and sad... how much hunger to seek more, yet the stagnant appetite was always so numb...

what is inferiority? or what is pessimism? what is an "optimistic pessimist" whom i used to call myself? some form of comfort that i am a pessimist but calculate the possible failure so that i can cushion myself when i finally fall?? or should i face myself to say, it's a plain attitude of indifference? how pathetic and empty can a heart be, to feel so much yet feel nothing?