i just took a half hour power nap... hmmm... feels good =)
this silly woman huh... putting silly comments in my previous entry that i had to delete the entire entry because i didn't kn0w how to delete and didn't know if i could delete a comment... hee...
well well... evening is drawing near... got to get myself ready for school very soon... the bank woman pissed me off again just now... she was really too much lah... i just had to send that stinker mail and called her to give her a piece of my mind... anyway... it's finally really settled... phew...
hey sweet one... did you hear that i kinda teared when i was talking to you huh? so silly... the table is turned around now from how it was when you talked to me about very similar situations... but... that crap conversation i had with you was really crazy... hahaha... yah... i didn't have to do things to realise how silly i am... cos i already know... ku-ku right... so kiddish lah...
i guess it applies to many if not everyone, to fear to give because of the fear of feeling unreciprocated... or fear to receive something worse than not receiving... so that could be why people stop giving...
i have a contradicting mind... more often i have expectations not simply from people... but also from myself... i set a subconscious benchmark of the shoulds and should nots but seem to realise they are so idealistic that i cannot be capable of fulfilling them... because... i'm human... i develop a problem of self forgiveness which equates to guilt... darn... sounds so sad... but these are real aren't they? i don't know... i do silly stuff... and really walk into walls with eyes wide open... many times... i hear a loud bang... and feel the pain... then realise i'm sitting on the floor with a bad bruise on my head... then my mind spins... but... still got to get up and get moving... then... there are also times... very few times... where i still see walls... and walk into them... but the walls dissolve as if it was some secret door to nirvana (ok... i just can't find the right word to describe what's in my mind)... i wouldn't know how many walls i need to walk into to find the door... to keep walking needs courage too... because... if you never try to take that step... you wouldn't know if it's pain or relief... well... if we learn to avoid the walls... it could seem fine... but would be like walking in the maze of hmm... say life? you walk and walk... but it's a maze of no exits... the only way is to find the right walls that dissolve with your touch... so that you may take a step in that secret door...
this is an afternap mini-revelation for me... silly eh... but i like it =)
and for you my dear... we dun have to really be that reckless (or silly) to realise certain things, do we? my opinion stands... there are things we do not have to risk... an experiences we do not have to create to become history of the lives we live... despite agreeing with you... that life's too short for many things... it ain't that long to be worth it for agony that eats in from memories, am i that bit right in saying this? thanks for reminding me what i've ever shared as advice... i really forgot to use it on myself ;)
ok... have a good evening... off i go... God bless all =)
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Our relationship is unique and special. We offer each other advice which we know the other won't take. But its a good brain food. It kinda eliminates that option automatically making the choices presented to us much easier to make.
Yes...i remember that fateful day at the airport very well. we had dinner at the Soup Restaurant, you walked me all the way to the boarding gate. when i had to pull out from your cuddles, i was tearing by then. plus all ur last minute admonishments about not having to create certain memories... yes.. i remember... the moment i stepped through, being one of the last few passengers, my flighty heart pounded from the unfarmilarity of it all.
i guess deep down, i just want to hold ur hand and let u reassure me that i might have failed in my relationship but that did not mean that i have failed as a person. but being the nincompoop i was, i let it all happen...i guess i had allow for all the pain to be inflicted on me and that changed me a lot. i think u already know that.
u are right about MR K. he really helped me in my healing process. i still feel lonely when i am abroad but knowing that i have the guts to choose and brave through wat i have chosen, that's growing up for me. i am brave enough to face the emptiness and the guy i like (God knoes if he likes me enough... gut feel: attracted/interested...but not enough...).
Anyway, enuff said. just wanted u to read this. Wise choice. i don't have that patience or "矜持" but i am glad you have. we balance each other as how ying and yang balance each other... i'm the pretty one while you are the ugly one though...anyone who sees us will agree with me anyway.. keke ^^
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