disparity...

in the midst of revision for my test now... very distracted...

life is simply difficult... each time i thought things became clearer... dark clouds will start to gather... and everytime the clouds seem to disperse... a sudden downpour follows... the rain gets so heavy i gotta run... but i slip and fall... find the nearest shelter to hide... and wait for the rain to at least subside a little... just when i thought the weather was almost fine... i attempt to continue walking... then... lightning strikes again... i walk quickly... but now thunder starts to roar... someone came and offered to share an umbrella... i shared the temporary shelter... but it was pouring so badly with strong wind blowing... almost blowing the umbrella away... before i know it.. both persons are almost drenched...

when will the sun shine again? and which morning can i wake to see a rainbow? can i be taken away into solitary or vanish in a breath? lock me in a cave or something...

i love the smile on my face as much as i detest it to the core... i'm breaking down in bits... i dislike the face i see in the mirror... because it keeps away what is hidden inside this empty shell... jaded? who am i to qualify my feelings with such a word? i try to feel but paralysis overpowers... have i not felt or have i felt too much... life-weary? is that what they call it?

a friend, a soulmate, a companion, a confidante, someone who knows, someone who understands... someone i seek... but what have i for giving to deserve?

i'm even further reduced to smaller bits... so undeserving... so puny and so small... self-pity is the pathetic word i have for myself...

the beautiful ideal drawing broke into soggy pieces when the rain came... am i able to start painting again, i always tried after each storm... it usually turned out to be a better one... now i hold the brush... not knowing what to paint... have i been trying too hard to paint? each time i attempt... i put in more effort... and it got better... now my mind is blank... how to try harder? is there such a thing as trying harder? what is harder?

i miss the faith in hope... where did it go? i'm now restless... i feel sorry for my state... useless bum feeling sorry for myself as if it would help... why do i have no heart to do anything that could help?

a coward i see... wanting to embrace but afraid to open my arms...it's no wonder no one finds faith in me since i find none in myself... can i just fall into deep sleep and not wake to face the gloomy weather?