vehicle dummy?

man.. i know i'm not an expert driving an impressive machine that brings people to places.. but seriously.. i dun understand why is she so darn uptight about some things...

it's not as if i'm asking to take the wheels on my own or what.. but she simply takes everything so extremely personally that it can get really unbearable at times...

scenario 1 of the day:

she says: now go...
my reaction: *pause* didn't accelerate and stopped
she says: aiyah now don't go, got bicycle
i say: yah i saw it...

... to be continued...

scenario 2 of the day:

vehicle parked literally in the middle of the lot...
she says: shift leftward since it's a cornered lot
i say: actually ok lah.. enough space both sides
she says: just shift more, so the next car's door further away, won't hit us...
i say: ok
my reaction: move out, reposition reverse...
she simultaneously says: turn left more, more... aiyah.. i say more.. now right.. right...
i say: ok already what... very straight already..
she says: why can't you just turn when i say turn
i say: cos when i'm steering, i go by my own judgement..
(naturally i don't steer the wheel by "commands")
[RETRIEVE INFO FROM SCENARIO 1]
she says: like just now, i ask you to go you don't go
i say: cos i saw the bicycle
she says: how could you have seen it, my angle definately made me see it first
i say: well, i saw it when it was already my left front what..
she says: don't understand why i must be so "cannot be told what to do"
i say: ok, maybe you can logically see it first, but i noticed it first..
her reaction: that "you are impossible and ridiculous expression"

i mean seriously.. what does she want with me... please lah.. give me a break... in anything and everything... must only "do as you are told actions" be acceptable ones?? and who's the one with the super ego who can't err??

scenario 3 of the day:

i picked up the phone and dialed a number... the line was ringing..
she picked up the other headset to say "i'm using the phone"
the line was picked up = line got through while we were holding the 2 handsets simultaneously..
i say: i dialled already... it's mine
she says: i called first lah
then i put the phone down
(bearing in mind i heard who answered the phone on the other end knowing it was the call i made)
all these over the phone handset..
i mean please lah...

speechless...

i have things to say

i'm not very happy right now... it's not very describable to explain how i feel... but.. just feel bugged...

things in life happen so quickly... seems faster than a flash of lightning... and as every moment passes us by, the next moment takes over more efficiently than ever... we just seem to be at the mercy of time huh??

grandma was admitted to hospital this evening... she's alright now... should be asleep on the hospital bed i saw her coupld of hours ago... you know... the world functions in an odd way... beyond comprehension...

we know that we live.. go through a whole cycle of pretty "standard" processes and phases laid by society... then we eventually take our last breath... probably all of us sees this transit in our life since way back... but... it just gets so hurtful and worrying over an elders' sickness and we can't bear to let people dear to our hearts leave us... it's all a normal human emotion... but i'm only saying that it's odd because it's like we knew such situations will confront us some day in our lives... but we'll never be able to take it when it comes... why is life such an irony?

a friend, and sister in Christ had a word with me during cell today... i know and understand her words... and i'm chewing hard.. trying to swallow every line she said to me... i am struggling on a very fine line now... i can't describe it.. it's like.. whether what i know equates to what i really truthfully know and believe in? am i fighting to convince myself over anything? or was i truly convinced once but having doubts over my convictions? k.. my brains aren't functioning very well now perhaps... tired... in need of sleep...

somebody shared about her life testimonies and struggles about how real God is in her life... i know God is very real in my life too... and we are put on many tests and trials in this transiting realm of life we are given... if this is a test, let Thy will be done for the Lord has made and known everyone of us in His plan, to do and choose what He desires us to decide for... and all the consequences... He knew well before creating our existence... why we were where we were once, and why we are at current state now... and where we will be...

truly... states of uncertainty or agony... what are they? and where did they come from? perhaps self? my current psychology course... it is building knowledge for me... but the process of rationalizing how we function as human is like... hmmm how should i describe it... all the different schools of thoughts are applicable... like how our desires and satisfaction is driven... why do we seeks what we seek and why do we feel what we feel when we have or haven't attained them...

k.. i guess it's really too much liao... everything i'm typing is like scattered chunks of words... not really getting anywhere... well.. to all.. take care and good night!

with love =)

back

=) i left this place vacant for awhile... i came back at least once a day.. stare at this page.. attempting to put in some words.. but somehow never got anything up...

some moments, i dread to face the decision i made... because it's more painful than many can imagine... let alone the judgements made from people close or far...

i'm comforted that amidst this... some dear ones have took part in my life in very special ways and touched my heart deeply... my family rarely had any glimpse of my life... and sometimes.. it could be hurtful that they may see a different movie out of how i may be living my life... but i'm never more thankful to have my brother... that little was told.. yet he is with me.. i never learnt how to express myself better.. but i love him dearly..

though technically an adult for many years... there's still a long path ahead... a friend shared about challenges like a mountain some time back... i remember it vividly... i took the words as a good teaching... now... i'm taking them in yet a different way... i do not think i overcame any mountain... just that.. when facing the mountain. we mapped and climbed it... now.. i finish at the other side of it.. i look back.. not to remember it was a glorious victory... but to smile and give you and i a pat on the shoulder and say... it wasn't easy, but we completed it in our way... the bumpy roads, bruises we got, and the sunshine we saw... everything was beautiful... but now... we are off to hike our new routes and mountains... bringing with us lessons of how we fell, picked ourselves up, how we perservered, how we smiled... all written into an episode our life stories.. so that when we emerge on other mountains peaks, we could still wave and give a smile from afar =)

now, i'm enroute my new journey.. writing the next chapter... wanting to fill it with smiles and joy... inevitably, i could trip and fall, perhaps still shed tears.. but looking forward to embrace it all...

time to go

to all those who heard me, saw and felt my pain and tears:

thank you for being here. i haven't been well emotionally and probably still not. but i'm now picking up the shattered pieces that i broke. i'm sorry that i hurt or disappointed one or more along the way, especially those who cared for us or were hopeful.

that's all i have to say. opinions, judgements, criticism, seriously are not what i can defend against or explain further about.

it's all for time to help us out and for God to watch over us.

"unfolding the smile you see, may be the truth of ugliness"

with love, me

left for awhile

hmm realised i left this place in isolation when i recieved an sms this morning..

just some updates.. technically i am fine =) to all those who may be wondering... yes, i'm ok =)

you know i just feel.. it's true to say that you don't feel things may be so precious till you realised you're losing them.. or perhaps, you might have lost them.. but.. on the road to losing.. if you disregard the vibes you're getting.. and simply wait and see.. then chances of ultimately losing them is really high..

life is really about choices.. at every stage... like.. as a teenager.. if you choose to study a certain path of studies but you fail.. you can decide to re-sit the subject or course.. but.. you could also switch a course.. or otherwise you may procastinate and see how things turn out.. till you see it in your face that nothing has happened but the world is telling you, you took too long... you made no efforts.. so it could be even harder than difficult to pick yourself up..